As a kid, I was tall. I wasn’t lanky either. To be frank, I looked like a loaf of bread soaked in water. My cheeks were chubby, my hair was poufy (thank God for hair straighteners), my feet were huge, and I generally felt out of place. Whenever I wore skirts, I felt like a dumpling trying to be pretty. I wore flats, and the thought that honestly crossed my mind when I would sit in my seat at school was, “I am too fat for flats.” However, I felt ugly in tennis shoes. Looking back, through the eyes of an adult, I concede that I wasn’t actually “fat." I was slightly overweight, but I grew taller and my proportions shifted. However, that small 11-year-old sticks with me every day.
I choose my outfits with her in the back of my mind. I always pick sandals over flats when I wear a skirt, because it makes her, not me, feel less dowdy.
In 2016, I am a college student. I am five foot 9 in. I am still slightly overweight, but you can’t tell (or at least I hope you can’t. A cliche, I know). I don’t worry about my clothes anymore. I don’t worry about taking up space anymore, and yet….
I still will choose sandals over flats. I have a fear of taking up space that has manifested itself in my choice of shoe. I will wear tennis shoes; I will wear sandals; I will wear Chacos; I will wear the ugliest shoe in the world before I will wear ballerina flats with a skirt (yes, including traditional Crocs). Because I still feel like I am too fat for flats. I see girls everywhere wearing flats with skirts -- long and short -- and I envy them! All I want is to wear my ballerinas with something other than a pair of skinny jeans, and to feel good about it!
I saw a girl in my Early English Masterworks class wearing flats. She had her legs crossed under her desk. She was wearing a skirt. She was hunched over her desk listening to the discussion, but not participating. I noticed her posture, because I recognize it in me, when I wear flats. I wanted to call out to her, and tell her to accept that she takes up space --but I didn’t. I only sat up straighter in my chair, and paid closer attention to the discussion of Beowulf.
Then today, I put on a skirt, I put on a collared shirt and I put on my new ballerina flats. They are simple, black flats. There is no special design or applique. There is no glitter or velvet. I walked to class, and I sat at my desk. I spent my class time focusing on not focusing on my feet. I could feel it though. I felt like there was a neon sign, pointed directly at me, shouting, “Look at her! Look at her! Look at her dumb shoes!”
I was so uncomfortable. So, I offer an apology to myself --
I am sorry that I cannot wear ballerina flats and skirts. I am sorry that I cannot surpass the feeling of taking up space in a certain type of foot wear. I feel confident when wearing 99 percent of the clothes and shoes I own, but I cannot wear ballerina flats with a skirt. I accept that I will never be fully comfortable if I choose to pair the two. I take up the same amount of space no matter what shoe I am in, and yet ballerina flats make me feel like I am a bloated fairy.
