People always say that the best part of a relationship is the first few months when everything is still new and exciting. Then, it all slowly fades and gets more and more boring.
But this was not my experience at all.
When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was right in the middle of a horrible phase in my mental health. I was struggling with social anxiety and depressive episodes.
The morning before our first date, I was in a constant state of panic. I couldn't focus on anything other than how I would say the wrong thing and embarrass myself and then never be able to live it down. Then I started panicking about what I would do after the inevitable embarrassment. We had a ton of mutual friends, so I was convinced he would tell them about the Really Embarrassing Thing™ and that I would never be able to show my face around any of them either. I would be shunned and need to find a new friend group.
Obviously, none of these things happened. I ended up having an amazing time and we made the boyfriend/girlfriend thing official soon after.
But even then, with the security of knowing he liked me and wanted to date me, I was still as anxious as ever. I would have mini anxiety attacks before dates and overanalyze every text he sent, convinced he only felt bad for me and would soon break up with me.
Each butterfly in my stomach felt amplified by a million. But this was always before we met up. Once I was actually with him, I was always much more calm, though still extremely insecure. (I don't want to make it seem like the first few months was bad. They were great, but incredibly anxiety-inducing.)
What saves you in a situation like this is to both work on yourself and on your relationship.
I worked on myself by attending individual counseling and group therapy.
During the vast majority of my recovery, I kept him in the dark because I was terrified that if I vented every little thing to him, he would get annoyed with me and dump me.
The "working on the relationship" part came from letting myself trust him and trust that he wouldn't just drop me the second things got hard.
One day over the summer, my boyfriend and I had both had very busy weeks and had barely texted that whole week. Though I thought I had moved past this, I once again had a voice in the back of my mind telling me that he was tired of me and that the relationship would end any day now.
Then I got a text from him telling me that I would be receiving a package later that day. I was confused, but he didn't respond to any questions I asked about it. A few hours later, he texted me to check outside my front door.
When I opened my door, I found red roses in a vase sitting on the ground. I looked around, but no one was there. Turns out he had to go to work, so he couldn't stay, but he still wanted to surprise me.
It was completely unexpected and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
When my best friend saw the flowers, she told me, "You know, you don't give him nearly as much credit as you should. He obviously really likes you."
I realized that she was totally right. He had never given me a reason to think he would horribly dump me. That was just my own brain messing with me.
I knew I had to let him know how I was feeling.
It was a slow process, but letting him in has made our relationship even stronger than it was before. If I need to call him crying when my mental state has gone to crap, I will. And I won't be afraid to do it.
If you're going through some sort of mental illness while being in a long-term relationship, just know it can be done. All it takes is bettering yourself to the point that you can let the other person in and trust that they will love you despite the state you're in. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
Although some think that the best part of a relationship is the uncertain, fluttery first few months, I am loving the secure, open place we are at over a year into the relationship. Stability is underrated.
