Attention Sconnies of Madison, Wisconsin, this is not a drill. This is a public service announcement from the University of Wisconsin. A pandemic of zombies are taking over the UW campus, and other major cities across the United States. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, run and tell that!
We can confirm that a freshman student contracted the infection after pulling an all-nighter in College Library. He’d gone to University Health Services (UHS) complaining of a severe migraine, a fever of 109 degrees and a yearning for human blood. UHS saw nothing wrong with his symptoms - per usual - and sent him back to his dorm with the advice of, “Get some sleep and wait it out. It’ll pass.” His symptoms persisted to the point where he attacked his roommate. As students approached to see what caused the commotion, they witnessed the infected student covered in blood, eating his roommate’s intestines. The infection spread from there, as the student began infecting others with a bite or scratch.
The streets will soon be filled with zombies, as we have no cure. For your convenience, the university has put together some basic information and a survival guide list to prepare you for what's happening on campus.
Who’s getting picked off first:
Anyone who's watched a decent zombie movie knows that zombies are attracted to sound. So naturally all the construction workers will die first - serves them right for destroying the union in peak terrace season. Along with the construction workers, freshmen are among the initial victims. Zombies can sense naïve, fresh meat from miles away and freshmen make themselves easy targets by wandering around campus together in packs. Next are the seniors; they’re old, used up and slow, so they’re easy prey.
Food/Water
Being the true Scon that you are, you’re gonna want to stock up on cheese curds and beer. Cheese curds from The Old Fashioned and Spotted Cow will sustain you for the zombie-fighting to come. Obviously, Fresh Market is going to be raided first by humans trying to stock up, which will attract zombies. The Fresh raiders are likely to die first, along with the freshmen and seniors. With that being said, only the most intelligent and well-rounded Badgers will survive the first 24 hours of this pandemic. Tag’s is the go-to place. It’s high-key enough to have everything you need for a zombie apocalypse, yet low-key enough to keep you hidden from zombies.
In terms of water, we’re on two freshwater lakes. Figure it out.
Form Armies
Librarians and the College Library security guard will be handing out machetes and throwing stars outside of College library. Get there ASAP if you plan on surviving. Along with said weapons, Badgers will be bred to be even more reckless and savage than they already are. They’ll be released unto the zombies and take out a large portion of their population.
Human-wise, you’re gonna want some heavy-duty athletes, coaches, engineers and bio majors. Athletes for strength, coaches for structure and planning, engineers to construct weapons. Oh and don't forget those bio majors to find the cure.
The most likely to survive are those who play “humans vs. zombies” on campus, so be sure to include some of them in your army. They’ve been preparing for this day since they stepped foot on campus. It’s like Christmas morning for them.
The marching band comes in clutch by calming the zombies with tunes while using their instruments to kill the zombies, simultaneously. Two-for-one.
Best Spots to Hide
Rule #1: Find high ground. The safest place is the top of Bascom Hill. Even zombies ain’t tryna walk up Bascom. Or, get yourself to the top of College Library, the Hub, Van Hise or the chemistry building with your cheese curds and machetes. Get comfortable because unless you’re part of an army, you’re riding this pandemic out from a bird’s eye view. Alternatively, you can lock yourself in the cages of Memorial Library.
If you’re someone who would rather go below ground, head into the time warp that is the KK and survive off of grilled cheese and two-for-one drinks. Resurface 20 years/pounds later.
With these tips and this survival guide, you’ll be sure to withstand the zombie apocalypse. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Now that you have your guide to Wisconsin, be sure to check out Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse in theatres Oct. 30th. To create your own fail badges, watch exclusive video and get tix head to www.ScoutsAndZombiesMovie.com
