When you join a sorority, people will you tell you about the next three years of your life in the inspiring group that you’ll grow to call home. They’ll tell you about the incredible events, the fun sisterhood retreats, the unexpected friendships you’ll make, and how you’ll push yourself to become a better person both in and out of the classroom. They’ll teach you catchy chants and precious secrets to guard and you’ll get caught up in all the beautiful, individual things that envelop the sorority experience. What they won’t tell you, though, is how fast those three years will go.

I sat down to write after my senior ceremony to describe this still unfamiliar transition from active member to alumna and my head was whirling. It feels like I was just being welcomed in a flurry of hugs, cheers, chants, and tears on Bid Day. It feels like I was just experiencing the pure magic of Alpha Xi Delta’s initiation ceremony for the first time. Out of all the things that sorority has prepared me for, saying goodbye wasn’t one of them which is why I felt compelled to share my thoughts through writing.

1. It’s the people who make the experience

Following our senior ceremony on Tuesday night, I could not help but feel so genuinely moved by the abilities we have as people to touch the lives of others. I’ve realized that what were passing comments or small actions to me over the past years have left lasting impressions on others. It’s the most striking thing to be told how much you are cared for by the people you call friends and sisters. I truly can not even begin to express how blessed I am to have been able to work with and lead in a Greek community like the University of Nebraska Omaha’s and to have encountered so many inspiring women. Women who were able to see and recognize that spark of potential greatness in me as a bumbling, over-excited freshman. I had mentors and role models guiding me through some of my earliest hurdles and that feeling of pure conditional support was something I had never experienced outside of my own family. It made me feel invincible then and has been what has driven me for the past three years… The desire to never let those people down. Now, I get to be that person for others and that transition happened even before I could fully wrap my head around it. I’ve been able to empower women, inspire them, and to provide that same unconditional support through the opportunities that I have had. I've been able to reach beyond the borders of my own organization and to pull those new emerging leaders forward, with the understanding that they’d pay it forward and do the same one day. You don’t join a sorority for the material things, events, or places. You join for the people. It’s those same people who make saying goodbyes the hardest.

2. Recognize your own worth

“Fitting in” or knowing my place in Alpha Xi Delta has been part of my struggle and my story in chapter. In my early years, I defined myself by the chapter positions I had or the responsibilities that upheld and I wasn’t able to recognize the woman I was outside of that. Truly, I can not stress this enough. Your leadership skills or your worth as a person is not defined by where you sit in the chapter meeting room. Sitting behind the table as an executive council member does not necessarily make you a leader. Sitting with your sisters without a chapter position does not make you any less of a leader or a chapter member. You simply have different things to contribute. Your sisters hold be there to support you and not to define you. The glory in that is that you get to define “you” for yourself.

3. Never compare your sorority experience with anyone else’s

Everyone joins a sorority for a different reason. Everyone falls completely head over heels with their chapter for a different reason and I’m not talking about love as that initial spark of excitement you feel during recruitment for a chapter. It’s deeper than that. That kind of love for your chapter is that feeling you get when you begin to wholly understand what those Greek letters stand for and when the immensity of what your founders did all those years ago threatens to overwhelm you. It’s when you are able to look around the chapter room and say “I can’t imagine myself anywhere else.” A surefire way to be miserable and unhappy with yourself and your chapter is to look only at others and compare your experiences. I may have not had the most prestigious position in chapter. I may not have had the most friends or have had plans every weekend (truthfully, having plans every weekend sounds horrible to me). I may not be the smartest or the most confident or the most successful. But I have been able to grow not to care about being the “most” or having the “best” because I have found exactly what I’ve wanted and needed from Alpha Xi Delta. I did this by looking at no one else but myself. That is not to say that we shouldn’t celebrate the incredible successes of our sisters or strive to push ourselves in areas that we may fall short. But if you don’t know exactly what you’re looking from from chapter, how will you know once you’ve found it? How will you celebrate if you’re constantly looking at everyone celebrating around you and not taking time to look into yourself? Many seek sororities because they want that connection. To have friendships and support through a time of difficult transitions. No, I may not have the biggest friend group, but that’s alright because I realized that wasn’t what I was originally looking for in a sorority. It’s been an added blessing for me to have developed those friendships in Alpha Xi Delta that truly matter to me. I have friends who are incredible and challenging and empowering and frustrating and charming (sometimes even all at once) and everything other trait in between that I could ever ask for. Those are the people who I can be my authentic self in front of. Don’t get swept up in the misconception that everything is a competition through sorority life and take time to get to know yourself.

4. You don’t always get to see the bumps in the road

The woman that I am today is not the woman who has always been here. I’ve gone to Tuesday chapter meetings and my sisters always got to see a polished, put-together young professional. My point is, you don’t always see the mistakes that I’ve made along the way like the countless times that I’ve embarrassed myself, the times where I was too mad to form coherent sentences, or when I’ve cried tears of frustration, agony, or pure joy. Some people only get to see certain versions of me and that’s exactly why I believe that I should never be put on a pedestal. I am not perfect, no matter how much I like to pretend I am. Although I am confident in myself and my abilities, that pride is why I don’t feel deserving of compliments and praise. How can I be a role model when you’ve only seen my best? How do I deserve that when you didn’t see the blood, sweat, and tears behind the successes? When you haven’t seen the failures? Being a role model and a mentor isn’t just a title. It’s a responsibility. It’s a badge of honor and a distant finish line at the same time. It’s an honor and a challenge. With each graduating class from Alpha Xi Delta, I feel as if the words “role model” and “leader” are sometimes thrown around with good intentions to flatter without careful consideration for the weight behind the words. Successful people don’t always equate to great role models just as shiny titles or prestigious positions does not make a leader. It’s what you choose to do with those successes, titles, or positions that make all the difference. Just don’t forget to expect a few bumps in the road along the way.

5. “I am an Alpha Xi Delta”

Of all the things to irk me, this seems so insignificant but it is an issue that I feel strongly about. I don’t understand when or how sorority alumnae say “I was.” “I was an Alpha Xi Delta back in 2003” or “I was an Alpha Xi Delta at XYZ University.” If you made the same commitment to Alpha Xi Delta during initiation that I did and you completely comprehend the commitment behind that, you will never be a “was.” Always an “am.” Sorority isn’t just for the three or four years while you are in college. You don’t just stop being a member after you graduate. This is a lifetime commitment and one that I take very seriously. You don’t pick and choose what days you are an Alpha Xi Delta. You don’t pick and choose when you are embodying your letters and when you cast them off. You don’t pick and choose parts out of our creed or our founder’s values that you like and ignore the rest. This is a lifetime commitment so it should be treated as such. On Tuesday, I issued a challenge to all the recent alumnae and seniors in my chapter. Whether it’s five years down the road or when we are little old ladies at the Founder’s Day Banquet down the road, I want to be able to say “I am an Alpha Xi Delta” and not “I was.” If anything, I owe this organization that. I promised to hold myself to a certain standard as a sorority woman and that promise continues to this next stage of my life and beyond.

My journey in Alpha Xi Delta has been one that I could have never anticipated, but one that I will be forever indebted to. As I anticipate the next part of my life following graduation, I’m excited that this journey has only just begun.

TFJ