Thanksgiving is upon us and this means that our extended family has had an entire year to devise the most uncomfortable questions and statements that will make us college students regret ever having learned how to talk. I mean, how much easier would awkward family functions be if we had never learned to speak and could just "goo-goo, ga-ga" back at our family? Save this article on your phone, and whip it out when you need a quick getaway or response that is at least better than the truth during those uncomfortable dinner table conversations.

"Are you dating anyone yet?"

Wine. Find wine, now. Any type of wine. If this is the first question of the night, you're in for a rough night and I'm so sorry that I cannot be of assistance. Close this article, steal a bottle of wine and the dog from Aunt Susan and hide in the den for the rest of the night with the dog. Dogs never ask this kind of monstrous question.

"What's your major?"

This is to be assumed. This question, although seemingly simple, is like the magic door to a waterfall of other uncomfortable questions. Letting the family member into this educational world will unlock the following:

"How much school do you have left?" "Where are you going?" "Did you even apply to Stanford?" "That's going to get you nowhere..." "Do you have a job lined up?" "Why?" "Why not?" "Do you think that's a good idea?" "Is there even money in that field?" "Why didn't you go to Harvard?" "Why didn't you get into Harvard?" "You're telling me that you want to play with puppies as your job?"

Yeah, you don't want that. Fake a sneeze attack and get the heck out of there.

*Insert political quip here*

Run. Run far, far away and do not contribute any political affiliation. Not only will telling the entire family you're liberal cause thoughts of disownment, but it will also start an insane death match that includes throwing turkey legs at each other and dumping the entire cherry cobbler on Grandpa.

"Your plate hardly has any vegetables."

Okay, mom. This is Thanksgiving, for goodness sake. Let me be thankful for the unhealthy amount of potatoes that are about to clog my arteries. Simply just shove a plate full of potatoes into your mouth, point to your ears, and mouth the "I can't hear you" phrase. Yes, mouth it with that mouthful of potatoes. They'll love it, I promise.

"You aren't eating meat?"

If Aunt Marsha neglects to remember that you are, and have been a 5-year-deep vegetarian, go to the family room and put on Beyonce's "I Am...Sasha Fierce" album and flawlessly execute every move to Single Ladies. You are rocking that meatless diet- Go you.

"How does it feel being the youngest person here?"

Great, actually. I will survive for much longer than you. Go find the dog again. Like I said, they will never ask you those questions.

"Can you help me with my *insert technological device here*?"

Since you are probably one of the few people there under 40, your family expects you to automatically be born with a computer programming degree. Just set their device on fire, look astounded, and blame it on them. Simple.

"Have you gained weight?"

Honestly, ignore this question. Pretend you did not hear them ask such a personal inquiry and move along. Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of me shoving this pie in my face.

"Are you sure you should be wearing sweatpants to Thanksgiving?"

Are YOU sure you shouldn't be wearing sweatpants? Throw a fit.

"Follow me on Twitter!"

Yes, Grandma, you are so cool now with your egg-profiled Twitter. I want nothing more to follow you and watch you accidentally tweet your Google searches in all caps. *Deletes social media*