The Avril Lavigne Conspiracy Is the Best Thing You'll See On the Internet Today

The Avril Lavigne Conspiracy Is the Best Thing You'll See On the Internet Today

Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
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So far, 2017 has been a great year for the internet. Our phone screens and social media have been blessed with tons of new content, from the Oscar mishap to April the Giraffe, and now even the "Spongemock" meme. But the latest and greatest internet trend is definitely more unconventional.

Recently, a conspiracy theory involving former teen pop singer Avril Lavigne has gotten plenty of attention over the past weekend. The theory isn't anything new, I've personally initially heard about this before several years ago after falling into a deep, dark Tumblr hole. But nevertheless, it is still absolutely ridiculous.

So the theory begins back in 2002, the beginning of Avril Lavigne's music career. At only 16 years old, Avril Lavigne had already had several hit singles off of her debut album "Let Go;" and audiences fell in love with her punky rock n' roll attitude. After becoming such a big celebrity, Lavigne hired an actress by the name of Melissa Vandella to pretend to be her during public appearances that way Lavigne could carry on a normal teenager life. Vandella was a distraction to paparazzi while Lavigne went about her everyday life; a very popular practice with celebrities in Hollywood. Then in 2003, tragedy struck after the sudden loss of Lavigne's grandfather. So distraught from her grandfather's death, Lavigne falls into a deep depression and ultimately ends up taking her own life. By this time, Lavigne was at the peak of her career and had just finished recording a second album. Therefore the record label decided that it would be best for both the fans and the company to have Vandella take over Lavigne's career and pretend like her death had never occurred.

My thoughts exactly. So naturally when this conspiracy went viral over the weekend, everyone kind of started to freak out. While some blew it off as fake news or spread it around the internet as a joke, other people really began to investigate into this theory and believe that it is true. Fans went as far as to do analysis on old pictures and interviews throughout Lavigne's career.

Is Avril Lavigne really dead? Did Melissa Vandella take over our childhood figure? Have our entire lives been a lie? The world may never know.

(cues The X-Files theme)

Cover Image Credit: The Morning Express

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Send All Therapy Bills to the Prom Committee

Cue the pig's blood.
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It's about damn time someone addressed the elephant in the room: school dances.  For decades now, we as adolescents accepted the horror, the emotionally traumatic experience of a school dance.  Our parents encouraged us to go, our peers expected us, and the media blew the entire occasion out of proportion with examples like Footloose and Back to the Future.

I survived several school dances and I will tell you right now, Kevin Bacon never showed up to one and never would my entire graduating class have banded together to turn a mill into a suitable dance hall, even if Kenny Loggins did serenade us the entire time with songs about being free and heaven helping the man.  Nor did Micheal J. Fox make an appearance with a prepared guitar solo in hand and I know I didn't but did anyone ever feel especially enchanted or under the sea while at a dance?

I didn't think so.  It's practically impossible to feel anything remotely positive while at a mandatory school dance. Even if you do gather the courage to ask a girl to dance or get lucky enough to be the one asked and therefore rescued from the lonely corner of cowering teenage girls, you stay about six inches apart from each other (leaving room for Jesus if you're at a Catholic school, leaving room for your hormones to rage at any other school) which doesn't really help in elevating the romance of the moment.   Not to mention the all too intimate atmosphere created inside the same gym that the basketball team sweats in during the winter and everyone else sweats in during assemblies and pep rallies throughout the year.  Yes, the humidity in the air that the poor girls with curly 80s Jennifer Beals hair try to counteract with hairspray and gel: that’s the lingering sweat of your peers.  Breathe it in.


But wait, there’s more! Yes, not to worry, there’s more factors contributing to this school dance ritual. 

Has anyone thought to argue with the sadistic reality that dances are only forced on us during the most awkward and insecure time in our lives?  There are no dances before 6th grade, when crippling insecurity hasn’t rooted itself so deeply in your growing-pained bones, and there are hardly any formal dances after the age of 18, when everyone is mature enough to know how to ask and accept a dance, or at least give it a shot.  They only occur when we are so hormonally unstable that getting a blue fruit roll up in our lunch instead of a red one could set us off.  We worried enough about the shirt we put on or whether our mom kissed us goodbye when she dropped us off in the morning, why on Earth did someone decided to pile on school dances?  Because that’s exactly what teenagers need: more opportunities for peer pressure and social anxiety. 

So if you’re a boy, you worry about asking a girl out and there’s the matter of how to ask her out and which girl and when to do it and where to do it and how many of your friends are going to post it on Snapchat (earlier generations didn’t have to worry about this at least) and what. If. She. Says. No?!

Well, you may as well just curl up and die right there on the cafeteria floor.

And if you’re a girl you worry about what to wear and whether or not someone will ask you and if someone does, you have to say yes to the right person because obviously who you go to the seventh grade dance with is a vital decision in your life, and what about if no one asks you?  Do you go by yourself and hope someone asks you to dance during one of the three slow songs or do you stay home with your cat and a Hillary Duff movie?

And let’s not forget the fact that social dance isn’t taught anymore so if a slow song does come on and you do happen to have a partner, you don’t have a clue where to put your arms and where you should look and whether or not it’s normal to have your feet stepped on or to be the one stepping on the girl's feet every other second.

Does anyone see a benefit here?

I was talking to my friend about the violation of humanity in forcing only adolescents to attend formal dances and he’s of the opinion that it’s the administration giving themselves an opportunity to watch middle and high schoolers alike suffer.  And while it’s a humorous and possible reason, I don’t know that it’s all the way true.  The majority of administrators and teachers hate school dances.  They have to haggle and barter and threaten one another's parking spots just to get enough chaperones and, especially for high school dances, they spend at least half the year trying to rally enough funds to host said dances.  'Do it for the children,' they tell parents as they stand diligently behind the Prom Fund donation box during soccer games.  Unless your child is Homecoming King or Queen material, they'd prefer that you didn't 'do it for the children' thank you very much. 

But parent guilt is an all powerful persuader so Mom or Dad pay the recommended $10 donation and  eventually the school gains enough money to put on the Homecoming or Freshman dance or the all hallowed Prom and all the students buy their dresses that they'll be tugging at all night, whether their boobs are too big or too small, and the high heels that they can't walk in yet and will inevitably ditch at the door and suits that always hang a little awkwardly on shoulders that haven't quite filled out or arms that are too long for the sleeves.  They will huddle in groups, their palms dripping with sweat and their hearts terrifyingly rabbit-like, as if awaiting to be herded on to the train for Auschwitz.  Then 'Choo, Choo!'--"Hero" by Enrique Iglesias comes on and it's time to accept your fate and get on the train (ask the girl to dance/await your suitor in the corner) or bolt for the bathrooms to wait out the song.  If you're like I was at my Freshman dance in high school, you'll choose option B and wait out those lingering, humiliating 3 minutes in the bathroom with 30 other girls.

So maybe next time you attend a school function and there is a tempting, harmless-looking little donation box for the upcoming Winter Wonderland Dance, just remember that whatever you put in that box is going towards the emotional scarring of your already-fragile adolescent child.  And you'll probably get stuck with the therapy bills, or at the very least, the tears at the end of the night.

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7 Reasons Why Audiobooks Are The Best

Audiobooks are revolutionizing the way that people have access to literature.
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They've been around for a long time, but have just recently started to become more popular. Audiobooks are revolutionizing the way that people have access to literature. But in ways, they are far superior to actually reading books! Here are XX reasons why audiobooks are the best.

1. You can listen to them anywhere and at anytime!

Especially if you have a digital copy. Using Audible or buying books on iTunes makes audiobooks super compact and easy to transport.

2. They're great for long drives

My commute to school is approximately 6 hours. So whenever I go home, I always make a serious dent in my current book.

3. They're easy to multitask with

I'm listening to an audiobook right now. As long as you're not doing anything that requires too much concentration, you can pair it with a great book. Just be careful while studying, because it may be a little distracting!

4. They only require one sense

Whereas physically reading a book requires you to hold it with your hands and look at it with your eyes, listening to audiobooks only requires the ears. That way you can free up your hands and eyes to do more things

5. The narration is usually really good

There is no better feeling than when there is a perfect narrator reading the book. Nowadays, a lot of books are narrated by special guest stars

6. Sharing books is easier

Instead of having to physically lend a book to someone, with the fear that you'll never get it back, sharing audiobooks is as easy as giving someone your login and password. Now you don't have to worry about ever losing your books!

7. They're simply more practical

As we get older and accumulate more responsibilities, we just don't have time to sit around and read all day long. So instead of carving out a chunk of your day to read, you can still be in tune with literature while maintaining the highest levels of productivity!

Cover Image Credit: Photo by Jessica Lewis from Pexels

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