Avoiding Soulmates and Advice from Happy People

I remember telling a therapist why I had married. I married at 38 because I was scared to death I would never get another marriage proposal from a seemingly decent human being and honestly, I thought dating in your late 30’s was about comfort, no fireworks, just pure comfort. My therapist admonished me with a wag of his figure and told me that was bullshit. Fireworks, butterflies, and magic still existed in the world of dating.

Dating up to that point had become tedious but women my age were bombarded by the obvious questions: Are you in a serious relationship? Don’t you want children? Aren’t you lonely? Nope. Nope. Nope. I’ll tell you what I am though, bored, I would say. Bored out of my mind! Bored with online dating, acting flirty at work and definitely bored with hearing about other peoples’ marriages and kids. I was totally bored. However, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, they say, so I did. I had the most boring 5-year marriage anyone could ever have, we stayed home, we argued and we were two people who were bored together. Five years later, I was done. For the first three years of my singlehood, I was happy. I mean seriously, pajama- wearing, dancing naked in the house, happy. Last year, I hit miserable, rock bottom. Dead alone, with my “Oh my God, I would love to go camping with your husband and kids!” face on. I was a big, fat, phony.

I put the word out; I was networking with friends to see who was divorced or available. I kept hearing three phrases over and over again and I’m here to say, please stop saying these statements to your lonely, divorced, unattached friends:

1. “You have to put yourself out there!”
   First of all, where is ‘out there’ exactly? I told you people I was lonely and looking, by now you should know what I’m into and have your feelers out there for me, correct? Second of all, am I putting myself on the street corner, is there a specific place where lonely people in their 40’s hang out and why don’t I know of this secret hang out? Or do you just mean online? Been there, done that.
2. “If it’s meant to be it will be.” What the hell kind of crap is that? So what you’re saying is there is some big matchmaker in the sky, watching me saying, “nope, girl that is not the one for you and I’m not sure when he is going to come along.” This is utter nonsense and smart women like me never take the bait.
3. “Everything happens for a reason and happens at the right time.” This is just more non-single people rhetoric and a tactic used to avoid supporting lonely people. Once again stating this fantasy that there is a big eye in the sky that genuinely has the time to take care of you and your problems. There is no clock; there are no “soulmates”, only those who you connect with on a heart level.
   

Look, I love my friends and my family, but instead of platitudes, please give me the support you would want for yourself if you were in my situation. Put your detective hat on and help me search for the ultimate partner or if you just happen to be in that “hangout” that I know nothing about and see a smart, handsome, cool, guy who you think might be up my alley, give him my number, will ya?