Hi, I'm "The Most Awkward Human Being Alive." Let me take you on a journey of social edification.
See? It's already awkward.
Step 1: NEVER point out the awkward.
A friend once told me this. I told her that it's still awkward. She rolled her eyes and walked away. We aren't really friends. Awkward.
Step 2: Run to the bathroom if you see awkward waving in the distance.
Do not go walking into awkward interactions if you know it's going to be awkward. For example: you see your "we dated in my head for like 5 years but were hardly even friends irl" coming your way with his girlfriend. Warning. Do not engage.
Step 3: Do not eat that three-bean burrito on the Meatless Monday before your big road trip on Tuesday. Don't do it.
Forethought is key. Actual, logical thinking = less awkward moments.
Step 4: If you try to speak and end up saying, "Quyeuwyiruay," play it off like a coughing fit.
Better for them to pity your on-again, off-again asthma, than for them to realize that you were actually saying, "So how was your day?"
Step 5: You've just gestured wildly with your hands, trying to communicate that you got an important text and need to leave work early. Your boss tilts his head. You either freeze, sigh, and use your words, or explain that you're an interpretive dancer on the weekends.
Again. In terms of social interaction, your Italian heritage will most likely not be enough to visually communicate your words. Slow down. Breathe. Do not assume that your boss is also a quarter Italian, and can understand that your spaghetti arms mean that your younger brother possibly attempted swallowing a Tide Pod.
Step 6: You've made a pun. Hooray. Don't try to explain it when they don't get it.
Timed to perfection, with the perfect inflection. And they just look at you and stare. Do not open your mouth again. Smile; preferably not creepily. But do not explain the pun, do not deconstruct it. Once you do that, all is lost. Maintain the illusion of normalcy, and perhaps ask them their thoughts on Tom Brady. Trust me. They will forget your epic pun faster than they realized they could not understand it.
Step 8: Make sure to edit that text. Edit the spelling, the grammar, the sequential order of your list.
Once you press send... All you have left are lame little (*) to change "you're" to "your," or "alot" to "a lot." It's not exactly awkward to correct your mistakes, but it sure will look strange to your English-major friend reading it.
Step 7: Never assume that the person behind you is speaking to you.
"Hello," they say. You are on a bus full of strangers. "Um, hi," you finally manage to reply, seconds later. Your mind is reeling. Did they know you from class? It's too crowded to turn around; wait. What if it's that cute guy who works at the library? You've never talked, but surely, surely fate must... "Yeah, no, Monday will be fine," they continue. You bite your lip. Oh, no. You finally manage to turn around. It's a middle-aged man in a gray suit, looking slightly bored with earbuds in. He is on the phone. Everyone around you heard your response.
Never assume. Always be pleasantly surprised.
Step 9: Know your argument REALLY WELL before you make it.
There is nothing worse in the world than challenging someone's political statement only to forget every article you've ever read and every Tumblr rant you've ever made. You stutter. Sweat beads begin to drip down your forehead. You're trapped. You're in a corner. They're closing in.
Step 10: Keep them guessing.
And here we arrive at the end of our journey together. You were such a wonderful companion! The pictures of your cat in your wallet had me rolling. Pebbles is such a treasure.
Awkwardness is a gift bestowed to the few, and for good reason. Sometimes you've just got to let your metaphorical hair down and let if flow for everyone to see, admire, and sometimes question—but who cares about them? You have mastered the art of awkward, and that, my friend, is something to be proud of.
