I like to consider myself a writer, and it's a heck of a lot easier to call yourself a writer if you actually write. That's why, at the beginning of this year, I promised to write an average of 500 words per day. I kept it up for a while. Then I experienced my final few weeks of college, and the project fell to the wayside. This is why, yesterday, I pumped out 8,009 words in approximately 1 hour 44 minutes and 25.33 seconds. Most of it was nonsense: the kind of typo-riddled mess you get when your subconscious wails on a dying keyboard for the better part of two hours. That said, I've decided to post some of the more amusing snippets here, wiped free of spelling mistakes and other assorted errors.
"I am a very knowledgeable bear. I got a 6 on the SAT. That makes me in the one hundredth percentile of bears."
"Oh, keyboard, my heart, my soul, my sole purpose, please make me the happiest man in the world, and board my keys!"
"My dog just wanked by the entrance to my room and then left."
"I have many brothers, some of whom are not awful, and all of which are at least half human. That's part of the problem, because if they weren't human and they weren't animals and I owned them I could do bad things to them without being held condemnable before a court of law."
"All the words that have ever loved me will die."
"You should know that all my ex-girlfriends are like i: imaginary."
"If you want me to hizzle, you better skidizzle, because I'm going to stick my caboodle in your canoodle. Wait, those are words? Actual words? No 'this is bad' red underlining for caboodle and canoodle? I knew caboodle, I guess, but canoodle? What does that mean?"
"It's a game, like Pinocchio, which isn't actually a game, but I suppose it is, because it's owned by Disney, and everything owned by Disney is a game when you get right down to it. Even fathering a bastard child through the magic of a sky witch is a game."
"I dorken my mind, and the minds of others."
"Words are just letters that have decided to band together."
"New word: minterested. That's the word where you want to kiss someone for the first time, so you pop a breath mint, but when you lean in you learn that they aren't minterested in you. It's no fun, having feeleaves for someone else who's not minterested in you."
"I crapped my past last week. My whole past: just came pouring right out of my butt."
"My English hails from the United States, but Johnny English is English."
"Enigmas are a mystery to me. But you know what isn't a mystery? Chicken."
"Weeping for the loss of what was well and good, we now gravely crave the mediocre!"
"Metal bars line the walls of a prison cell, and the only thing anyone wants is to get out. But they can't. There are metal bars in the way."
"If a Donald were to become a duck, and a duck were to become a president, who would rule the nation? The ducks, who have the greater numbers, or the Donalds, who have the greater ducks?"
"What then? You die, melted in a pool of hydrochloric acid that you told people was water because you thought it would be funny to see them vaporized from the inside out."
"Well, good job, Adam. That's another day wasted. Don't feel too bad; that's only one seventh of all the days in the history of the universe. I'm sure it will be fine."
"Freckle pox, if you must know, is much deadlier than chickenpox, promising to eradicate all matter in the universe by the end of our planet in 37 AD."
"Give me that salad, and I will give you an army! Wedge formation!"
"I don't want to be secular about it, because just as the universe is filled with holes and emptiness, a naturalistic worldview is also full of holes and emptiness. That's just the way of things. A worldview is only as much view as it is world, and when that world and that view are empty, what do you expect to find? Raccoons?"
"What's that about getting pregnant, or getting someone pregnant? 'Don't worry about it? You'll never have to worry about it?' That's the kind of reassurance I'm glad I DON'T have, because there's nothing reassuring about it."
"Why is there something instead of nothing? It cannot be that nothing is too boring, for there are plenty of things that are boring, and they still exist."
"It's a good thing I'm keeping my eyes closed, or I would surely see the mass murder of the English language spread across however many pages."
"A man is only a man for as long as he continues to fear what is evil and love what is good. Anything less and you become a monkey wearing people clothes, even eating people food, but no, that is not the same thing as a man, and to anyone who thinks differently, you have my number. Come get your prize."
