After a gunman shot and killed 35 people in Port Arthur, Australia in 1996, the Australian government was quick to enact severely restrictive gun laws.
Since then, there have been no gun deaths in Australia. In fact, there have been no deaths whatsoever. After the gun control laws were put in place, Australians have miraculously ceased to die altogether. Australian elderly are currently writhing in endless pain as they continue to live year after year past their lifespans' ends, with the current oldest human alive being a man named Terry Dungworth, approaching his 130th birthday,
"My life has been ruined and my agony knows no bounds. Why did those government mates enact a gun ban? I just want to die."
—Terry Dungworth, oldest man alive.
As of the death statistic rocketing to a 0.00 (+/- 0.00) per capita, crime has also decreased to an all-time low. Now that bullets simply bounce off of Australians' skins, criminals have lost the capacity to commit crime and have willfully surrendered their assault rifles and weapons of mass destruction to their local police stations. Even criminals who have never held a gun in their life, and used clubs and knives instead, have turned themselves in.
"It was the darndest thing. The second that the gun restrictions went up, every person on every wanted list suddenly showed up begging to be cuffed because they realized they just couldn't commit crime with guns or any violent object ever again. Really makes you think, why didn't we ban guns sooner?"
—Blanch Curdletoes, chief of police force in Port Arthur.
Australians have now become a force to be feared. Their newborns are muscular and their old are wise beyond their years. No man-made weapon will be able to stop these behemoths. During the 2016 election, Hillary Clinton addressed the situation in Australia and said that she would "consider" it, and to that I say: we might have no choice but to enact similar gun laws in the United States. If we're to stand any chance against the immortal horrors who will inevitably attack and take over the rest of the world, we must fight fire with fire and ban all guns.
