“This is hell. This is what hell looks like. Assigned seating and public speaking. This is why people find Jesus,” I whispered under my breath as I stepped into a meeting and was met with a room full of tables and chairs….and name plates. My worst enemy: Assigned Seating.
There is nothing worse than being jazzed about an event or meeting, already having the conversation of, “Can I sit by you?", “We’re sitting together.”, “Oooh let’s grab the table by the window!”, and then walking in and having all your plans murdered by fancy table-tent cards.
As an introverted extrovert, I have come to terms with the fact that I hate assigned seating (and that I’m a walking contradiction).
Surrounded by my friends? I thrive. Extrovert all the way! Come at me, world, I’ll take you by storm!
Take me away from everyone I know and isolate me at a table?
Everything is awful, nothing is good. This is how I die—cold and alone.
This week was a good reminder as to why assigned seating is the literal worst.
5 Reasons Why Assigned Seating Is Straight from the Devil Himself:
1. You will always be far away from your friends.
“Oh, we’ll put you with people you know!” One of the most outrageous lies in human history—right up there with “Suicide Squad is a great movie!”
I see straight through your lies. What they mean by “putting you with people you know” is that you will inevitably be so far away from those nearest and dearest to you that you’ll forget what their faces look like.
2. You will be put by someone who dislikes you as a person.
You would think that, even though you are miles away from any recognizable life form, you would at least be seated with people you can get to know, or maybe even acquaintances. Sometimes fate likes to have the last laugh, and you get put by a someone you would rather not be in a five mile radius with let alone share the same table—and usually the feeling is mutual. Nothing is worse than being at a table with an ex, whether it’s ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, or the always fun, ex-friend. After the avoidance of eye-contact and blatant snubbing of you in conversation, you ultimately face an existential moment where you wonder if you even exist at all.
In these, unfortunately, situations, all we can do is embrace the awkwardness, know that you exist and that you are a good person even if others at the table think otherwise. Just keep repeating to yourself:
3. You’ll have to make conversation with strangers.
Introverts love conversation. They especially love it with complete strangers that they are stuck at a table with for long periods of time.
Wait, really?!
No. We don’t.
Small talk is great for some—I, however, find it awkward. Tell me about your hobbies? Um….I work. Tell me about your life? Um….I work? And then I fumble in finding relevant topics and ultimately try to engage them in systematic theologies, and if they believe in pre or post-tribulation theories…
Why am I allowed to talk?
4. You’ll be seated at an awkward angle.
No matter how many times I have been forced into assigned seating, every single time I wind up at the only seat at the table where I have to do a yoga pose to see up front. Do I twist my body around and eventually cut off circulation? Or do I turn my chair completely around and cut myself off from the table? Or suddenly every tall person in the city is surrounding me, and I have to request a booster seat.
Oh, don’t mind me just trying to see.
Upon getting a view of surroundings, once you are able to see you’ll undoubtedly gain a great view of…
5. The table next to you will always look like they’re having more fun.
No matter who is at your table, no matter how well you get to know those around you, there will always be “that” table. The table that laughs louder than anyone and who all seem to be best friends by the end of the night.
We’re better than you, peasants!
It's obnoxious. It's annoying. And yet you'll sit there and wish you were at that table. You'll look back fondly at the memories from when you were lucky enough to be seated with friends. You may even go over and advise them to cherish those joyful moments because one day the Assigned Seating gods will not be on their side, and they too will be left to fend for themselves in the midst of tables and chairs.
