Never would I want you to think that I didn’t have or don’t have fun with you because I did and I do. However, it's not as much fun anymore. No longer is it about hanging out and spending time together, but it’s more like you might be busy and I don’t care enough half the time. I have given 110% to this, and still, nothing most of the time.
We hang out but there isn’t much there. It seems like a hassle and forced. It’s almost like we don’t speak the same language. No longer is happy silence that follows, but a rather awkward silence where we wait until one of us has to go. Is that friendship? I don’t think so. We’re nice, but we’re not really friends, are we?
I understand there comes a time and a place for a riff in a friendship. People grow and change. We evolve. I wouldn’t expect any less from you. We went down different paths. We both went away, and we both came back. But it’s different now. I used to call you best friend, but sometimes it’s a hurtful lie when I do. You don’t think of me that way either.
I like to think that we had the best of times. We spent days going to the beach and we would go to the mall. You made me feel very girly, and I liked it. I was still myself, but I finally got to be someone else. Any judgment you gave, I accepted because I liked it. You never judged to be mean but rather it was more an observation. There were millions of times that we laughed. Sometimes it was never ending. It is music to my ears.
Looking back on the friendship, it hurts a little because it appears that you were my best friend but I wasn’t yours. I prefer not to look back and think about it, but my mind goes there. I have to second guess everything that was said and done between us, and most times, it appears that I’m your second choice. You were my first choice, even now you’re my first choice.
I know that it sometimes takes time to come back to that place that we used to be, and we may never be in that place again. In the past, when I see old friends, it has occasionally been difficult, but we come back together. We speak about how our lives have been, the boys and the girls in our lives, the travels that we have been on and will go on. And I expected nothing less from you. But with them, at least, we fall back into patterns.
To be honest, I expected too much. I know now and I knew back then. I thought you might miss me as much as I missed you. When we talked via phone or something, it sounded like you missed me too, but now all I heard is a condescending tone. It feels like you never liked me, but you put up with me because you had no one else. I was not the first choice.
You’re a little too different for me now, friend, because you’ve starting comparing me to others. This is a tendency you’re known for, and you haven’t stopped. No longer is it just a passing moment, but I’m compared to all these people. Actually, I was here first; those people should be compared to me. You seem to have molded them to replace me, which is fine when we’re apart, but now back together, I expect that you treat me as if I’m me, not one of them.
We both had amazing experiences, but you’ve decided yours are better. That’s another thing I’m not okay with. We have done incredible things since the last times we had seen each other. We met new people. We saw new places. We had many experiences. But you don’t get to decide that yours are better than mine. I chose not to do that because that’s not something I like to do, friend; I preferred it that way. I prefer it my way.
You know me, friend, I’m not shy. If I have a problem with something you’re doing, I call you out. I have done it in the past. But I can’t get you on the phone or in person to speak to you about it. When you say you’re busy, I find it hard to believe you, especially when you claim you have nothing to do.
Anything I give, my all, you have me less. You treat me less.
It’s okay if I’m not your best friend. I’m used to it, because there’s another girl that always comes before me. I expect that, especially when we’ve been apart for so long. But that other girl, all she does is drive a wedge between us. She whispers that I’m not good or I’m not funny. I can agree that she was there first. Sometimes I’m confused by how you speak why you’re still friends with her. I know that you love her and she’s your friend. She does things out of spite, to hurt me, I think, to push us apart. She wants you all to herself.
The truth is, she’s won. She can have you. People aren’t prizes to be won, but you’re a prize. Any person you spend time with automatically loves you. You draw them in with your wit and kindness. Your smile lights up the room. You have great stories to tell, and you bring all sorts of people in to listen.
It took you nine months to say that you love me, and we basically spent every day together. I just wanted some recognition for who I was to you, when you said it to everyone else. Sometimes I hear that you hated me. I hear sometimes the things you say behind my back. It’s another reason we may no longer be friends.
I want to be your friend. You’ll always be my friend, like I’ll always be yours. But time hasn’t been kind to us, and we have both have changed. Maybe it’ll get better because we’ll surely be pushed back together by fate and schedules. Hopefully we’ll have something to talk about. Whatever their friendship there was, I hope we can remind ourselves of that. If there is friendship still here, I hope we can continue. I wouldn’t want to lose you, unless you’re already gone, then I’d prefer if you stated it.
Until then, my friend, shall we continue on with our lives?
