I can't even count how much my weight has fluctuated. From middle school to high school, to college, post-grad life, with mixes of illnesses in there, my weight has gone up and down. There was a point where I was barely eating and would have anxiety every time I did. I still have anxiety when I eat, but it is much less now. I was and will never be skinny, which pisses me off.

Yes, I am obsessed with being skinny. Why? Well, honestly, society tells me so. I can't wear a bikini if I have a stomach. I can't shop at Victoria's Secret with all the models being skinny. I personally do not think I can get the attention of a guy with prettier and skinnier girls than me.

Maybe my mentality is messed up; I get that. Everyone is beautiful and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But I personally think life is easier for a skinny or average body type person. I am not talking so skinny, but I guess just the right size.

I have always carried a few extra pounds on me. I kill myself with trainers and meal prepping trying to lose it. I mix and match new methods and nothing works.

Yes, I do eat the occasional pizza here and there. Is that the problem? I do not think so. I know for sure the problem is what I think of myself. But can you blame me?

Were a world filled with fad diets, being skinny is everything, pizza is bad, abs are in, etc. So, I feel shameful for my belly. I hate putting on jeans the most.

So what can I do about it?

Well, I am not going into any fad diets. I want to stick to a sustainable program like weight watchers, keep watching what I eat, and exercising.

I don't know if it is the best plan for me, but it is the one that keeps me the happiest. I honestly won't ever stop being obsessed with my weight because I want to be thin. I do not know from a thin person's point of view if being thin is better, In my eyes, it is.

I only hope I am able to accept my body. But for now, I will probably obsess. WHICH SUCKS.