Anyone who knows me can probably tell you that I have trouble with uncertainty. This fear of uncertainty leads me to do strange things, in strange ways, at strange times. Examples of this include arriving at the movie theater an hour before the movie starts to make sure I get a ticket, using the world’s loudest voice and clearest enunciation in the drive-thru to make sure my order isn’t messed up, and plotting my days down to the minute for fear that I’ll waste them otherwise.
The only thing I’ve found that cures uncertainty is making a decision. Which means after what amounts to six solid months of angsting about what my future will hold, I’ve decided to apply to graduate school and pursue a degree in mental health counseling.
Why, you might ask, would someone who’s so terrible at dealing with stress add yet another stressful thing to her senior year in college? Didn’t she learn her lesson from applying to college, when she applied to eleven schools and managed to burn out two months into the application cycle?
The answer to the second question is, apparently, no.
As for the first — well, that’s a bit more complicated.
Making the decision to apply to grad school, even with just a month before the deadline, has allowed me to look at the last four years of my life honestly. I tend to catastrophize; when things aren’t going well, I feel like they’re never going to go well ever again. Looking back, going over my transcripts and school papers and job history, has shown me that on the whole, things were good. I studied things I cared about. I learned interesting things and read books I wouldn’t have picked out on my own. I learned that changing my major, and therefore abandoning my plans to go to medical school, wasn’t the end of the world.
Originally I was planning to wait until next year to apply to graduate school, but I had a realization, one that perhaps should not have been quite so sudden as it was: Why wait? I want to start my career now. I want to start using what I’ve spent four years learning now. I’m doing things a bit differently this time around.
I’m only applying to one school because I did my research and found a program that would work for me in a place I know I could live in. I’m not allowing myself to get overwhelmed with wondering if I’ll get in or not, although I’d be lying if I said the thought wasn’t constantly kicking around in the back of my mind. I’m focusing on the things I can do to improve my chances instead of the things I can’t control.
Applying to grad school, oddly enough, has reminded me to be grateful. Grateful for the opportunities I’ve had and the ones I’ve had to earn. Grateful for the people who supported me and the people who gave me a chance to try things I’d never done before. And more than anything else, thankful to have the opportunity to make this decision.
