Dear Earth,

There are many theories about your existence. Some believe you are the product of a huge space phenomenon. Others believe that God created you and all of your characteristics in just six days. Regardless, you have grown to be quite the savage, haven't you? We as the human race have thrown a lot of shade in your direction for the past couple-hundred years. However, in the past few months especially, you've expressed anger, contempt, and forced your wrath upon the human race.

I don't need an explanation as to why you have bestowed every possible type of weather upon us in one week's time. Why your ice caps are melting and your animal inhabitants are dying. Or even why you are literally losing a layer that protects those who live upon your once rich land. I can only make assumptions since said inhabitants are literally taking your breath away. Besides, the explanation would be rather simple:

We suck.

Yes, that is indeed my drawn conclusion. The human race has polluted your land, water, and air past the point of no return. We have relied on you as a home and for food. And what do we give you back? Exhaust fumes, litter, and cutting down acres of trees at a time. Yes, we, the human race, are potentially worse gift-givers than Great Aunt Maggie.

So what can we do to help you? Is there anything we can do to rewind and forget the mess that we've made? Please tell me this is like a Bruno Mars song that'll make you swoon over us and our relationship can just start from the beginning.

Okay, well it was worth a shot. But what can we do to stop you from giving us 60-degree weather one day and snow the next? What about the flowers that have already bloomed and died because of a three-day Spring preview that ended with Winter's wrath? Or the polar bears that are inherently dying because they have no ice to live on?

Seriously?? So we're kind of screwed at this point. I guess it's fair to say that soon enough our Winter and Summer wardrobes will be out year-round. At this point, it'll soon get hard for the Weather Channel to predict what you'll have in store for us. Hurricane season in December? How about a drought in the middle of Maryland?

Thinking of these scenarios, while seemingly out of reach, scares me. There was a point in time when we began utilizing non-renewable resources, then realized that they were bad and, well, non-renewable. But for whatever reason, we figured out alternative resources and STILL USE THE NON-RENEWABLES.

Nah. We'd rather stick to what we know, I guess. Well, soon we won't know much at all, because we'll be dead from lack of air to breathe or water to drink. How are we supposed to thrive without key things like water and food and dogs if we're literally killing you?

However, we've pretty much proven to think along these lines:

You could literally become engulfed in flames and we wouldn't give a damn. Believe me, we are well aware that you're angry. So angry that we are looking for a new place to live. Maybe we can inhabit Mars or Jupiter?

No, stupid. WE NEED OXYGEN. WE CANNOT LIVE OFF OF OXYGEN TANKS FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. OXYGEN ISN'T A BLACK MARKET PRODUCT. I'm so sorry the majority of the world doesn't understand that and isn't concerned for your health.

Some of the things that have been going on lately have been disregarded as "natural". I'm sorry for the ignorance of my fellow humans. Being consumed by water; snow, shorts, and rain storms in the same week; and a banana-shortage are not exactly things to take lightly.

I get it: there is no Heart of the Ocean, no Maui the Demigod, and no Te Ka to blame this on. I've been trying to get the Disney peeps to see that. So far, not good.

On the bright side, you have the opportunity to be the baddest b*tch in the universe right now, and you are slaying that role. You want it to snow before spring break? What's stopping you? Nothing, because humans are too busy with their own lives to realize that you're dying. So I guess we'll just keep tossing our Mickey-D's bags out the windows and driving everywhere we go instead of walking or carpooling.

Hope you're not too angry and know that there are still people here looking out for you.

Love,

Someone who cares about the future