I don’t remember when we first met, but I know you did. I don’t know what you felt or what you thought when you saw me, but I like to think it was love. When I was little, I romanticized what my older years with you would be like. I envisioned your house being this escape. I envisioned having a confidant as you were the only grandparent I would ever get to know. I had such a high picture of what I wanted our relationship to be like, that when reality hit, I didn’t know how to react.

We weren’t the dazzling duo I had imagined. We weren’t the movie-like family that the world said we should have been. We had more downs than ups, and I got mad more than I should have. I never took a step back and looked at the world from your eyes. I never tried to put myself in your shoes or your mind. I always assumed that every disagreement was your fault because of the difference in our personalities. I never gave you a chance, and for that, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I preached about showing love to others, but had a hard time practicing that towards you. You definitely made things difficult, but that was who you were. You were strong-willed. You were fiercely independent because of your life’s events, so much so, that the last four years were extremely tough because your independence started to slip away. You had so many life stories that I regret not paying better attention to at times. I know that I could not find the strength to hold on as long as you did if I had suffered as much loss in my life as you had. I didn’t realize until now that everything you did, everything you said, and every gesture you made was all out of either two things: frustration or exhaustion.

I’m sorry that I provoked you at times, especially the times when I wasn’t aware of your mood or just didn’t care enough to think of a better way to react. I’m sorry that you had to constantly carry your pain, both physically and mentally, and I’m sorry that I never offered to take some of that pain from you.

But, I also want to say thank you. Thank you for the times when you were real with me. Thank you for the times when you were hard on me. Thank you for always showing your support, no matter how mad you were at the time. Thank you for trying your best to be happy during the times when you had every right not to be. There is a letter that stays on my headboard that you wrote me the summer after my freshman year in high school. It’s simple, yet sweet, and it’s the thing I cling to when I have nights like tonight, where I miss you a little more than normal. Thank you for that note, because it’s the only thing that gets me through the heartbreak of you being gone.

Lastly, I want to thank you for not being the grandmother that I wanted when I was younger. I also want to apologize for being too caught up in that fantasy to not appreciate all of the little things you did for me. Thank you for being the exact opposite of that imaginary person. It is because of you that I know how to grow tough skin, and I apologize for not seeing that sooner. The last moment we had together was everything I could have ever wanted, and I will hold on to those two small words forever. I can’t wait to see you again, and return those two words back to you.