You know that feeling when you first meet someone, and they become your whole life? You think about them constantly, you talk nonstop every single day and your cheeks are sore from smiling so dang much.
Then comes a day during the relationship when they stop trying so hard to be that person that you want. Instead, they start being the real them. The person that you realize you don't actually like. That moment of clarity, of "how did I fall for this trap" always seems to come when it is too late. You've signed a lease together, or you've bought a big purchase together. You adopted a dog together.
Are all of these things worth sticking around through unhappiness?
I finally realized that my happiness is what matters. How can I make someone else happy if I am not truly happy with my life myself? What do I have to give someone else if I am constantly being torn down? What will I have left if I allow myself to be treated in such a way? What will I think of myself after all of this is done? Will I have any self-confidence left? Will I be able to look in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am, or that I love the person that I see staring back at me?
*Cue the song "Reflections" from Disney's Mulan here*
I can guarantee that every single person who reads this will no doubt have been in a relationship like this before. One where nothing else seemed to matter for the first few months, and where they probably stuck around way longer than they should have. Usually, those relationships have been over for months or even years before they actually ended. So why do we do this to ourselves? Why torture ourselves if we know that what we are doing is counterproductive and could even be considered as self-harm to our own well being?
Love.
Isn't that the answer to almost all questions like this? We torture ourselves for love. We change ourselves for love. We sacrifice ourselves, our freedoms, our happiness, our material things, our passions and dreams for love; or for what we think is love.
What is love, really? I used to define love as not being able to think about living without someone. To not picture your life without them. To never want them to not be beside you.
Things have changed.
Love, by my current definition, is wanting someone with you, but not needing them to be. To know you could make it on your own, but being glad for that someone who you brought along with you. You don't need to be attached at the hip to love someone- rather, you just need to be confident in yourself and the things you are capable of all by yourself. Your partner is just the icing on the cake, something to top off your already amazing meal of life.
This is why I will not apologize for breaking someone's heart. Yes, it hurts. It hurts us both; but wouldn't it hurt more if I wasn't honest? If I didn't end it sooner rather than later? I don't want to waste either of our time or energy trying for something that won't ever work. Life is a precious thing, and often times it ends much too quickly — too quick for a lot of people to actually get what they want out of life. That will not be me. I will not sacrifice my goals or my dreams or my happiness or myself to save someone else's feelings.
Yes, I love you. But I love myself more.
