I like to compare anxiety to being afraid of the dark. When I was younger, I used to be scared of the dark. However, later I realized it was not the dark I feared, rather I feared what I did not see: the unknown. We as humans like to feel in control. Anything in our lives that interferes with control is scary.

Growing up with anxiety at times is like being locked in a dark room you can't quite find your way out of. It becomes dangerous when you do not see what is around you; you can't protect yourself from the unknown.

I go to a university, and I (mostly) function as a normal 22-year adult would: spontaneously and unpredictably. I have friends, and I participate in activities, I even tried sports once. But there is a side of me, unknown to others, and that is the side with my anxiety; filled with dread and doubt, fear and insecurity. A side so crippling sometimes, that I cannot even get up and get going with my day.

You see, this becomes problematic, because unlike many other disease or illness, you can't really cure anxiety, and on the charts of the most deadly diseases, anxiety might not be up there, but it definitely does make life a heck of a lot harder than it should be.

Some days, I am enveloped in this darkness, and I become immobile. Something in my mind tells me that it is better to stay in bed, and to not leave. It convinces me that the world is too chaotic for me and that I am safer under the covers.

I read a book called "It's Kind of a Funny Story," by Ned Vizzini, and the main character was Craig Gilner, a boy determined to succeed at life, which meant getting into the right school, finding the right job, etc. Eventually, he discovers that his anxiety is too much to bear, so he turns himself into the psychiatric hospital where he eventually finds the source of his anxiety. In the book, Craig describes the evil things in his life as tentacles.

Tentacles are those things that hold you back and prevent you from living your life as a normal person.

For example, when my anxiety is bad, my thought process goes like this:

'Go to class Angelica, you are going to fail and then you won't get into grad school, and then you won't ever get the job that you want and then you will be a failure to your family. But wait, you won't get into grad school, so why try - just stay in bed. It's warm and safe here. No one can hurt you or judge you here.'

*Here I either succumb and stay, or fight the tentacles and get up and go. If I go, my thoughts are as follows:

'Go to class angelica. You have to be there a bit early so that the professor doesn't think you are careless. Wait, but you maybe you should be right on time so the other kids don't think you are a kiss-ass. Don't answer that question even though you know the answer, or they will really think you are a kiss-ass. Now the professor will think you dumb because he thinks you don't know the answer, way to go. It's a minute before class is done, pack your things. but not so fast so that the professor thinks you want to leave so bad....'

'You are hungry Angelica, but remember how crowded the cafeteria is, and you already eat by yourself, so if you go and eat by yourself everyone will think you are a no-friend loser. But also, you can't just not eat. Okay, so just eat. Sit down and ignore those around you. Oh my god, is everyone looking at me? Why is everyone looking at me? Actually, no one is. No one cares. It's so sad I have no friends. What do I do that makes people not sit by me? But if someone does sit by me, is it only because they feel bad?'

As you can see, this is very annoying, and not enjoyable at all.

Of course there is medication, but then you start to overthink the fact that anti-anxiety meds are actually not good to be relied on, and then you feel like you are not yourself, and then you feel weak for depending on medicine and you just want to be strong.

And of course, then you have people telling you to smile, to cheer up, to not be sad, but they just don't get that it is not something that can't change with the flick of the switch.

So I am afraid, like the dark, afraid that sometimes I am not in control of my mind and my body, and if I am not, then what or who is?

We all have tentacles in our life, preventing us from being the best 'us' we can be, but living with anxiety is essentially like living in the dark.

Not many people know what it is like, not many people can see what is REALLY going on, and fixing it is not as simple as turning on the lights.