My constant companion that never seems to take a break. It's always there for me, through the good times and bad. Ever since I can remember, we've had a very close relationship. It surprises me with spontaneous visits at the most inconvenient times, but I still keep the door open. I have no trouble ending toxic relationships, but I just can't shake this one. To be honest, I haven't really tried to cut ties with it. Some days I think I actually enjoy the adrenaline that comes with it.
It's the first thing I think about in the mornings and last thing I hear at night. We have our favorite activities as all best friends do. It loves to read off all the things on my "to-do" list. We replay all the moments that I could have done differently with a detailed description of all the possible outcomes. Then, it lets me worry about the worse case possible situations and all the things that could go wrong. When in reality, there's no way in hell that what I've made up in my head could actually happen.
It's taught me so many lessons and constantly keeps me in check, making sure I'm listening. You are always forgetting something important. Everyone else is doing better than you and you need to get your sh*t together. Everyone hates you. They'll get mad at you if you say "no." They don't actually like you. Don't say how you're actually feeling because confrontation is the worse thing that could ever happen to you. Overbook yourself, so you have no time for yourself, but everyone else is happy and gets what they want. Always remember the embarrassing moments that happened years ago and now replay it over and over. Everyone is judging you and looking at you right now. Put on a brave face and don't show the problems. You do everything wrong.
I know this is a huge problem and most people go through similar levels of anxiety. But there are a few reminders that I always think to help me calm down. Everything works out in the end and everything ends up okay. We are always our worst critic and give ourselves the hardest times. At the moment, it may feel like the end of the world, but it's not. You may be crippled with fear, a racing heart, and sweaty hands, but it does get better. Nothing is as bad as it seems. The "what ifs" never actually come true. The doubts always fade away. God is there to rely on. Just breathe.
And if someone isn't there to help you better yourself and just adds the worry, then maybe it's time to let them go. Surrounding yourself with wonderful people who make your life brighter by listening, encouraging and lifting you up is where you'll find a stress free and anxiety reduced version of yourself. I'm not an expert on mental health, but I do know what it feels like to have the waves crashing down on you and no one pulling you to the shore.
There are some days I look in the mirror and question how I ever made it this far. But I know that I am strong and I have people in my life who make me strong. It's an uphill battle, but with each step, I find a happier and stronger me.
