From the outside, it’s easy for someone to think that somebody’s got it all figured out; because I’m dressed well, and have a smile on my face, I must not have a care in the world. Some people believe that if you can’t see the problem, it’s not really there. That since there are no visible scars or blood, it must not be that serious of an issue.

So we learn how to fake it, how to put on a smile for everyone else, so nobody feels obligated to try and help. Most people don’t like to talk about the tough stuff, honestly, I don’t even like to talk about the tough stuff, but here I go.

I have anxiety. It feels as though every cell in my body had an extra shot of espresso in the morning. The same heart that beats every day, starts to beat faster, louder and makes you feel like your chest is about to burst. I can hear the heartbeat in every part of me, reminding me that something is off. I hear a constant buzz in my ears, that, or the constant sound of my voice critiquing things about me that one shouldn’t even care about. The buzz is constant, as if someone left a radio inside of me, on a station that never existed.

All the good words that people have spoken about me vanish and all I am left with is every negative word that has ever been uttered about myself, by myself, or by others. Others, others who claim that the only reason they say such hurtful things is that they love you, but little do they know that those words are forever stuck to the back of my eyelids, never letting me forget them. As all this is happening, I don’t even realize that I am grinding my teeth, or clenching my fist, completely cut off from the world for those few seconds.

People might think I’m avoiding eye contact, or that I’m not interested in what they have to say. In reality, every word that comes out of there mouth is masked by my own voice, speaking even louder in my mind. I sit there, hoping that you can’t hear the loud thoughts in my head and that I don’t come out and say something I’ll regret. The fear of being rejected, not accepted, or even neglected is so large that it leads me to not say anything at all. So, I sit there, quietly.

Although, others would say that quiet is that last word they would use to describe me, if they only knew how loud it was in my head, they would know that the words I speak are barely a whisper. But for them, I learned how to whisper. They’ll call you a loudmouth, but they’ll also say you’re lazy. Little do they know, that the only reason you’re still in bed is because you can’t bear to add more voices on top of the ones already blasting in your ears.

When it’s all happening, I imagine my feet are moving faster than what God has allowed. None of it makes sense, it didn’t add up in high school math class, and it’s not adding up now. I can’t solve the problem, let alone find the square root of it because most of the time there is no problem. Most of the time, there is no rhyme or reason, no life or death situation, no problem that is putting me in this predicament.. there are just feelings.

All this happens, and then it’s like I pass out. I don’t remember the monsoon of feelings, until the next time I feel them. When you’re in it, it feels like you’re waiting decades to feel sane again, but in reality, you’re only gone for a few minutes. You ask yourself if it’s normal for you to feel this way, is it normal to feel so much, just because you didn’t understand a problem on the homework. But that problem on the homework is like a door that once is opened, is extremely difficult to close.

Not every day is like this though, most days are good. Even the days that are bad, you just have to remind yourself that what you are feeling in that moment, does not matter in the grand scheme of life. God has great things planned for you, and he never gives us more than what we can handle.