The following is a graduation speech I wrote and performed:

Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you today as a product of NHS. I entered NHS in freshman year as a thin, acne prone boy with bad posture. Now I have emerged four years later as a thin, slightly smarter boy with horrible posture and hides his acne with concealing cream. Now, although I may not have changed physically, I did learn many important lessons along the way the most important of which being: If you try to be creative and an individual, it will never end well so you might as well conform into obscurity.

Now, I learned this lesson early on in elementary school. I was in kindergarten, it was around the middle of the school year and our class was going to play a playful singing game. My teacher, Mrs. MacNeil, said “OK everyone, pick out an item in the class that’s your favorite color. The class scrambled and soon enough they reassembled in the center of the class where Mrs. MacNeil told us to form groups with kids who had picked the same color. Every single girl in the class chose either pink or yellow and every guy chose either green or blue. Blue was my favorite color at the time so I had picked the dinosaur plushie near the toys. After we had formed our tribes of children, Mrs. MacNeil scanned the room making sure everyone was in place and her eyes came to rest on me.

At this point, I am compelled to inform you that I am colorblind meaning it is difficult for me to distinguish certain colors apart namely purple and blue.

Meticulously, Mrs. MacNeil walked over, pointed me out in front of the entire class and said “Brian are you sure you’re where you’re supposed to be?” I pondered for a second, saw the girls on the other side of the room and then looked at all the guys surrounding me

“Yes ma’am” I said

“Well Brian, Barney is actually a purple dinosaur.”

All the kids stepped back away from me as if I had a plague ridden swastika on my back.

“That’s OK,” she said grinning. “You get to have your very own group. You’ll be an individual.”

The class giggled and my face transformed into a bright shade of red or at least what my individual interpretation of what red is. Soon enough, we started singing the song where at the appropriate time each color grouping would chant the name of their color and lift their items in the air. One by one each group yelled “blue! Green! Pink! Yellow!”

There was a pause. The teacher nodded to me and I slowly raised Barney in the air.

“…purple”

And the song went on. That moment is the most alone I have felt in my life. And that’s where it started. From then on, any instance I tried something outside the norm I was mocked and humiliated.

Before I begin my next anecdote, I want to clear something up. Dancing is stupid. It has no point and it makes you look idiotic and stupid.

I came to realize that early in the year where I went out with my friend, Ajay Shethna, to spend time with two girls. Now, I’m really bad with women. I feel like I’m in a police interrogation and I have to put everything I have out on the table. On this specific day, we had seen a movie and went to one of the girl’s houses. I was batting about a 250. The story about something I said in contempt had gotten a laugh but the joke about women’s cycles had definitely not. Soon enough I had exhausted every joke, story and quip in my arsenal and now I’m struggling to maintain the simplest of human contact. I looked over to Ajay for assistance but I saw that both he and the other girl had left to another room. Thanks.

That isolation simply worsened the circumstances and I became desperate in the silence that went from awkward to physically painful. I went to my mind for an idea, any idea, and stuck with the first one that came.

I had asked the girl if she would like to witness the pop and lock routine I had learned from a YouTube Video titled “How To Impress Women With Your Moves.” She was obviously taken aback but unfortunately she agreed. After moving some furniture out of the way and pressing play on a 80s Synth beat on my phone, I was off. From what I remember, it started off well. I focused on the dancing and making sure to move strongly and pronounced but as time dragged on, my mind began to realize what I was doing. I was alone, in an attractive woman’s room playing a cheesy 80s synth beat on my worn down 3 year old phone while trying to pop and lock. After that epiphany, my dance... drifted into awkwardness.

“So yeah… uh... That’s the dance!” I said nervously looking into her cold judgmental eyes.

“Wow!” she said “That was really something! Cool!”

It was then she noticed it was getting late. It was 3:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday. The worst part was that she was my ride.

I now understand that it is too late for me. I am not part of the crowd. I look like a twigs anorexic brother. I can’t seem to act normal and I just do things that regular people don’t even think of doing. I am the textbook example of why you shouldn’t be an individual. If I were smart and stuck to the script by talking about our shared interests and complimenting her hair maybe in a few years I’ll marry into a rich family with a million dollar house in Calabasas. Instead, the day later my friend told me the girl said “Brian’s sort of nice but not really my type.”

YEAH, of course I’m not your type! I’m nobody’s type because I’m an individual. I’m a walking awkward pause. I trip on things way too often. I say inappropriate things at the worst moments and I do the “How To Impress Women With Your Moves.” pop and lock routine in a girl’s house when there only one other person in the room.

I stand here today pleading for you to not follow in my footsteps. Follow my friend, Ajay. He is the model by which all people unsure about their lives should live their lives. He’s a man’s man. He walks around knowing he’s cooler than others and talks as if he doesn’t care about anything at all.

Now I know what you’re thinking “You’re telling us to completely withdraw ourselves from reality and exist in nothingness? Move through life without really living it?”

Yes, that’s exactly what I’m preaching. Stop yourself from living. Life is the first branch you hit down the “special” tree. Millions of people have died from living, in fact it is the leading cause of death! Anyone who lives, DIES! Just remember that the next time your English teacher says “Carpe Diem! Seize the day!” and then promptly drop kick them in the mouth.

Always live life by these rules:

• Before anything, look around and ensure that what you’re doing is something the people around you would do
• Don’t ever express your own personal opinions
• And most importantly, by the name of all that is holy, do not dance!

I will list off the names of a few people. Some of which, followed my advice and others who didn’t.

These are the people who stepped out of the box and stood up for what they believe.

• George Washington
• Gandhi
• Nelson Mandela
• Donald Trump
• Jesus Christ
• Jack from Titanic

Out of those six people, only one is not dead and no one even likes his saggy orange head anyways.

Now those in society who followed my rules and decided to take the road most traveled by better people that probably knew what they were doing.

• John Doerr
• Randall Armstrong
• Michelle Rosenberg
• William Bean
• Xing Quay Lao

You don’t recognize any of them? Good, that’s exactly how they want it.

My name is Brian Baek. I’m a product of Northwood High School. Please. Do not be like me.

Now, before I end my speech I would like to recite Webster Dictionary’s definition of sarcasm.

Sarcasm: noun. The use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say especially in order to be funny or prove a point.

Thank you.