The coffee shop was about to close. It had been a nice day to start off, but now it was dark outside, it was cold outside and it was dark outside again, because the darkness was in two parts. One part of it was the silent, comforting dark that rolled over you as you went to bed. It was friendly. But the second darkness was just too heavy. It lay over the comforting part, swallowing it. It was terrifying and it wasn't leaving. It was a night where no hope reigned.
She sat facing away from the large windows. She was thinking about the darkness enough. No need to look at it.
She was just angry. It pressed against every inch of her skin, but then was gone all of a sudden. And that's how it was every day. The anger came and went with every other emotion. Just like every other emotion. But the anger was just so much more real. How did that make any sense? The anger, which had never been a problem for her, just didn't fit her right. She was small and it fit her like an extra large t-shirt: covering her carefree, go-lucky self with just... too much. It was just too much on her small frame.
People had been walking by her all day. She thought about each one of them and memorized them. The woman who had run in quickly to grab a coffee with a baby on her hip, the cute guy with glasses, the girl who hadn't matched her makeup to her skin tone and the old man who had looked at her smiled and then left with a weird expression on his face. That pissed her off royally. Who they hell were they to ignore her pain? She felt the anger roll around in her stomach. She had been sitting there the whole day with these selfish people just walking around, acting like they didn't have a care in the world. It infuriated her that she didn't have their secret of being OK.
"Excuse me, miss?"
The voice rang out, interrupting her inner monologue. She looked for the source of it and found one of the baristas of the shop, standing in front of her. He was a tall lanky kid, not even out of high school, for sure. His peach fuzz stoked her anger just slightly, because he wasn't pulling it off well.
"Yes?" She was proud of that yes because it was the perfect amount of sarcasm and frustration at the fact that she, who was dealing with her anger, was being interrupted by this uncaring and unknowing being.
He shuffled his feet awkwardly, his discomfort at talking to a girl showing through his body language. "Umm, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we're closing now."
She shot daggers into his eyes. He stared back, scared, but not really sure of what to do. After a second, he cleared his throat, scratched his arm and said, "OK, well I'll just leave you for another couple of minutes." He started to walk away, his apron strings dragging on the floor, but he stopped suddenly, which surprised her.
"You know, I don't really get you." His voice was shaky but genuine. She stared back at him with a blank expression, her daggers sheathed for the moment. What was he doing?
"You've been sitting here for like, what? Eight hours? I don't know, sometime after lunch, but you just... you haven't bought any coffee. You haven't met anybody, or used your phone or anything. But you have been doing something. I may not know much about... this stuff. Like, girl stuff, you know? But you just look angry. and you know, I can tell, because you've just been looking at people like they're just nothing. And I don't get it!"
His voice cracked slightly on the last sentence as he took a breath. He'd been talking really fast. And she was stunned. Her voice was caught in her throat. The anger was stunned, too, because it wasn't rolling in her stomach. Weird. His eyes were a soft brown that reminded her of dirt, but it was nice. Clean dirt. Honest dirt. He spoke again, with no momentum lost in his words, despite the pause.
"I'm sorry, maybe you have a really good reason for just sitting here and judging all these people. But honestly, why are you doing this to yourself? All of these people? Like, all of them? How can you be mad at all of these people? To be fair to you, maybe there's something happening in your life that's just awful, and I apologize if I'm overstepping my boundaries, but I've been watching you all day and I just feel so much anger from you and I just want to know."
He stopped to take another breath before saying three words she was dreading: "Are you OK?"
At that, she lost it. The composure she had so carefully maintained melted and she started crying. But it was quiet and didn't show it in her face. The tears just came and rolled down her face. It was even weirder than this whole situation. She was so angry. She was angry at him and she was angry at this guy telling her off and being concerned all at once. She was angry at all the people she'd seen today and how none of them knew what she going through. God knows, but none knew how angry she was at him. How could the person she chose just hurt so specifically and personally? It was unbelievable and so real all at once. The anger started to move again and push against her, but it didn't affect her face or the tears which still fell quietly down her face. This was weird.
The boy just stared with emotions playing openly on his face. Confusion at first, then empathy. The empathy stayed for a while. Then it switched to a determined look of confidence, and he sat down across from her and took off his hat. Curls bounced out from underneath the hat and the anger was assuaged slightly.
"I'm sorry. I really don't do things like this very much at all. I barely talk to girls, actually. But I think there's something I can say that will help you. It's OK to be broken. It's not comfortable or fun but it's OK. The way you're feeling right now doesn't need explaining. It doesn't need permission. The way you feel is really important. And who ever hurt you like this probably deserves it, the bastard."
The anger jumped and disappeared inside her stomach and a choked laugh escaped her lips. It was just so sudden and she hadn't been expecting that. He smiled at her laugh and shook his head a little, shaking off the last bit of inhibition he had at talking to a girl. She wiped at her face distractedly. He was saying things she wanted to hear.
"But whatever happened, and I don't need to know what, I just want to tell you that it's OK to be angry. And to hate. Because even though we want it sometimes, nothing ever is just fixed. There's a pain that doesn't stop sometimes. But sometimes there's just something that comes out of nowhere and changes all that anger. That fixes the hurt. It doesn't happen every day, but it will happen. And you know what, who ever hurt you? I'm betting you'll forgive them after you've healed up a bit. Because you're hurt and that sucks. But don't let it make you bitter against everyone. There are people who suffer through things just like you're going through everyday. That woman with the kid you saw today? She's been a single mom for a really long time. She's trying so hard... Sorry, what's your name?
She told him.
"Bonnie, she's trying so hard just to make it through the days, and you better believe she's angry. She's told me a lot of times, but then there are these days where she smiles at me and there's just so much joy there. It fills me up, you know? That old guy you saw? He sat here all day yesterday and talked to some kid about love for hours. He just sat there and listened and talked to this kid until we closed. And let me tell you, he's probably the most crotchety old man you'll ever meet. I didn't know he had that in him. I'm sorry, I'm rambling, but I wanted to tell you all that. It's OK to be angry and not just because there are people going through things like you. It's not OK to do things just because everyone is doing it. But it's OK to go through times where all you feel is hate and anger.
"Life is so much more than what people sell to us. We all know the plan: get a job, do good in school, get a better job, get married, have kids and have a career. But life is so much more complicated than that. And so much more beautiful. There's just so many in-between parts that people don't like to talk about. But life really is all the weird parts in between. And it's so bad and frightening and terrible to be where you’re at right now. But life is so much better. So much better than what you're going through right now. And that's all I wanted to say."
The kid suddenly remembered how self-conscious he actually was, and with a quick goodbye and a wave of his hand, he went back to close up the shop. She sat there. The anger was still there. But it was in the corner and it didn't seem that big anymore. She glanced outside behind her. Outside, it was cold and it was dark. The dark lay there in two parts. One quiet and comforting and the other heavy and terrifying. But that was life. She got up, walked outside and left a lot of anger behind with an awkward kid who worked in a coffee shop who really just wanted to do some good where there was, after all, a lot of hurt.
