Filling
- Chicken: If you are ordering chicken, it is safe to assume you do not color outside of the lines. No crazy meats for you, just the most basic of meat options.
- Steak: The steak is another one of Chipotle's tamest meats. A little less basic than the chicken, you can be sure to pride yourself on almost branching out.
- Sofritas: If you even know what Sofritas are you are for sure vegan or vegetarian. I am not sure why else anyone would order a tofu based meat substitute.
- Barbacoa: With a name that sounds like a snake, you are an adventurer taking a walk on the wild side with this spicy shredded beef.
- Carnitas: Of course Chipotle needs a fifth type of meat option! If you are ordering the Carnita, it is probably for the first time. You will soon realize that you have never heard of “pork tacos" for a reason.
Rice
- White Rice: I can only assume you are the most boring human being on the planet ordering white rice. What do you have against the brown rice, seriously? Hasn't your mother taught you that brown rice is better for you?
- Brown Rice: Ordering brown rice… who are you trying to impress? Good thing you are substituting an entire ingredient for 20 calories. I am sure you will see the results soon.
Beans
- Black Beans: Another pretty standard option, you must be too scared of the pinto beans, but too hungry to leave without another addition.
- Pinto Beans: Chipotle's pinto beans are pretty reminiscent of what you would expect to see in the trash can after a baseball game with kids who ate too many hot dogs. If you're ordering these, I hope you're confused.
Salsa
- Fresh Tomato Salsa: I am not calling you a wimp or anything, but way to order the mild salsa. You aren't really trying to spice up your life.
- Roasted Chili-Corn Salsa: Who even knew the corn at chipotle was salsa? I am guessing you saw corn and thought, “Hey that looks like something cool could happen if it goes in my burrito." Spoiler alert, you are right.
- Tomatillo-Green Chili Salsa: The medium salsa adds just the right amount of kick to your burrito to keep it exciting without knocking you out of your chair. A balanced diet is key!
- Tomatillo-Red Chili Salsa: I do not know what has possessed you to order the hottest salsa. Either you are really trying to expand your horizons, or you have some kind of vendetta against your poor, poor taste buds.
“Additional Options"
- Sour Cream: What are calories?
- Cheese: Is anything complete without cheese?
- Romaine Lettuce: Personally, I don't see the point of lettuce. It provides no taste and you don't need extra texture in a burrito. If you order lettuce I assume it is for the sole purpose of adding color to the picture you are going to instagram.
- Guacamole: If you can afford to pay $1.80 extra for guac, you either must really have your life together or you just aren't a college student. You are envied by many.
Bowl vs. Tortilla
- Bowl: You are smart; you know the only way to consume a burrito as big as your face is with silverware.
- Tortilla: You must have a jaw the size of a Great White to actually be able to eat the burrito in tortilla form.
