For starters, I would like to introduce you to a song that has forced me to hold my breath and have a deep thorough thought about life. "Unsteady" by X Ambassadors is a song that cries out in desperation for a child who was stuck between two parents that were fighting and on the verge of divorce.
Most people do not discern the topic of my life, but I plan to give a little background information regarding my connection to this song. Throughout my growing years, my parents fought daily. Money, support, happiness and understanding were all things that they could never balance while dealing with their children and others.
My mother and I were close and I always found myself going to her with my problems while attempting to deal with the negativity that flooded our house. It was quite the opposite with my dad. The truck driver hours and the inconsiderate actions without thought had created a disconnection between us. Because of this, the hole in my heart grew more and more every day when he wasn’t there.
The beginning of the song "Unsteady" by X Ambassadors starts off with one simple sentence.
“Hold onto me
'Cause I’m a little unsteady”
My life has never been normal, nor has it ever allowed me to dream big and live bigger. For me, this lifestyle has created an unsteady reaction to life itself and everything within it.
The reason why I feel I connect so well to this song is because of the dialogue that introduces the mother and father to the desperation.
“Mama, come here
As I said before, my mother was the person I went to for everything. I talked to her about the first time I got armpit hair, told her about the first time I kissed a girl (which was very contradicting), confessed my fear of the first time I was able to drive, and the feeling of being in college. Unfortunately, my mother wasn’t able to be there during the times of grief, disconnection, loneliness, and heartbreak. The reason for this was not one-sided but understandably unsettling.
Mom, I needed you to approach me. I needed you to appear.
“Daddy, I’m alone
'Cause this house don’t feel like home”
With my father, things were hard to explain and continue to be so. The loneliness of not having the father figure was something that followed me throughout my entire teenage life. It’s hard not being able to have your father go to events, not be able to enjoy sports and lack the ability to make conversation regarding daily life. Again, this relationship was not one-sided, but I feel as though we didn’t try hard enough. These few stanzas speak very clear to me because I hardly ever felt like my life was comfortable while living with my parents. The constant agonizing discomfort was created by the inability to come together as a family.
Dad, I just wanted someone to be there for me when times got rough. Someone that didn’t yell when I did something wrong, but simply how to do it right next time.
“If you love me, don’t let go
If you love me, don’t let go”
This repetition in these lines hits hard for me because my sister and I always felt as though our parents were always fighting over us. We didn’t do this right, we forgot to do this, we woke you up, and so on. At the end of my parents dissolution, I felt as though it was my fault my parents split up-- as if they did not love me enough to stay together, to support us.
“Mother, I know
That you’re tired of being alone”
After the divorce, things got even more rough than expected. Originally, there was a mutual partnership in regards to money, accounts, and children. Within a month, things began to change. I remember living with my mom at this time and seeing her cry at the table, constantly wondering what happened to her life, why she wasted her time and what her next plan was.
“Dad, I know you’re trying
To fight when you feel like flying”
When more things began to change, I was moved into my dad’s house. This was a change because he had already moved on. When looking at him, everyone could tell that he wasn’t ready to move on, but knew that it was the best option. He wanted out because he simply wasn’t able to accept being tied down to the same person forever. He wanted to fly.
“Hold on to me
'Cause I’m a little unsteady”
Being in college, looking at my life and the family inside it, I see a maze. This maze can never be solved, it lacks hints, adaptability and knowledgeable signs of direction. For these reasons and many more, I was a little unsteady.