All my life I have been berated by family members, friends and complete strangers, for not being what they considered 'Mexican' enough. Usually it has to do with the fact that after only a few seconds of talking to me they'll realize that the only Spanish phrase I have memorized is "No hablas español."
Which, I have to use a lot, since most Latinos (and lets face it, people in general) take one look at me and assume I'm perfectly fluent in the language. Of course, once they realize that I don't speak the language, they say the one thing I absolutely despise hearing:
"But you're Mexican. You should know your own language."
Yes! I am Mexican (among other things), but if you couldn't tell from the lack of an accent in my voice, I am not first generation. In fact, I am not even second or third generation. I am a fifth-generation Mexican-American. Now, I'm sure many of you have seen videos on the difference between first and second generation Mexican-Americans, like the one from FLAMA. It's obvious there are some cultural differences between the two, but there are still plenty of things they have in common. A second-gen person will most likely still grow up in a Spanish speaking environment, and with the culture. The same could not be said for me.
My family has lived in the U.S for many generations, and we have slowly separated from our culture. It's interesting to analyze, yet disheartening to know that I am the newest result of this separation. The result is that I don't understand Spanish (though I've tried to learn on many different occasions). I would rather listen to the Country music stations than the Spanish ones and I don't know anything about Mexican culture other than what I've learned about Dia de los Muertos (and honestly, that was because I found it interesting on an academic level first).
As a child, I never gave much thought to the fact that I lacked this knowledge. This knowledge of who others thought I was "supposed to be." But as an adult, I've suddenly found myself lost in a bit of an identity crisis. I'm not Mexican enough to be considered a part of my own culture. In fact, many people have called me gringa or 'whitewashed.' And, on the other hand, simply because of the color of my skin, I am not 'American' enough to be fully accepted here, even though I was born here.
I am an outsider on both fronts, the American culture I've grown up with my entire life and the Mexican culture that I wish I could have been apart of. I know it's not too late, but it is also difficult. The culture is completely foreign to me. The only people in my family who spoke fluent Spanish and were still connected to the traditions and culture were my great-grandparents.
That means I must rely on my friends who are first or second generation, to help me understand. That can be disheartening too because sometimes they can't help but judge or laugh at the way you act or the way you talk.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard feeling like an outsider to a culture you never had the chance to experience. I'm sure there are some of you out there that might feel discouraged by it. But there is one amazing positive that I've gotten from being on the outside. I now get to learn everything I can about this new (to me) culture.
I'll experience things for the first time, things that most may take for granted because they've always had it or have always known it. This is still part of who I am, these are my roots. So I may still get berated for not being Mexican enough, but at least they can't say that I didn't try. And that, my friends, is what counts.
