To the woman who gave birth to me,

I address you this way because I can not say… “to the woman who gave me life” or “to my biological mother.” I can not use the term mom or mother when referring to you. You gave birth to me and a shelter for the first four years of my life. That’s it. The picture you see is the youngest picture I have of myself. Maybe this will give you some insight on how you are the furthest you could possibly be from my mother.

I am writing this to you because I am exhausted by the fact that you think you are anything more than the woman who gave birth to me. I have always been very open about my adoption and the events that have occurred in my life, all thanks to you. I have never been afraid to share my story and despite many very disturbing memories I have of the first years of my life, I have never tried to act like it never happened. At such a young age, I had to accept the fact that I wasn’t wanted for whatever reason.

Now, I’m no mind reader, but I am sure right now you are thinking something along lines of, “I didn’t give my kids up.” Well, the sad part is, you actually did. You may not have taken the initiative to do it, but when you chose drugs and your sad addictions over your children, that’s when you made the decision not to be a mother. Your unhealthy lifestyle caused you to lose three children to complete strangers. So yes you gave your kids up, and no you are not and will never be my mother.

“A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take.”

This quote describes perfectly what being a mother means to me and it describes my momma perfectly. Not you. I am talking about the woman who saved my life…who took your place and gave me a life you never even tried to give me. You. Never. Even. Tried. No one will ever be able to take the woman’s place who has given me unconditional love and provided me with a strong Christian home.

She not only raised me like you were supposed to do, she raised me to be a strong woman who can overcome any circumstance. You better be thanking the good lord up above for that woman. She is still having to clean up your mess years later.

I really wish I could say something nice to you and give you some sort of hope that I want you in my life, but I can’t and I won’t. I need you to realize I am happy. I am a college student and I have worked my butt off to get to where I am today.

Realize this, I did it all without you, and I will continue being successful without you in my life. My biggest stressors should be studying and working to stay in college. Instead, YOU have become my biggest stressor.

Stop. Please. This is me telling you I absolutely can not take it anymore. It has come to the point of publicly sharing with the world that you have become my own personal stalker. Do not say you love me and please do not dare act like you want to be a part of my life. I’m not sure what your incentive is here, but I do not want to “give you a chance.”

I only give chances to people I feel deserve to be given them. If you honestly and truly love me then give me a chance to live my life without the fear of being stalked. Maybe you think if you can be a part of my life again then you will have a clear conscience and not have to feel guilty anymore.

If you really want a clear conscience, then straighten your life up. Stop plastering how proud you are of me all over social media trying to get people to think you are my mom.

Realize that I am someone else’s daughter now and have been for more than ten years.

Realize that I have happy memories of growing up in a safe home.

Realize that I will never choose you. Why would I choose someone who gave me not a single happy memory?

Each time I think of you, a flashback of you lying passed out on the counter with your bottles of pills floods my mind. Even at eighteen years old, that image haunts me. When I see your name or hear that you have tried to reach out in some way, that is what I think of. Please, don’t force me to have that memory time and time again just because you are too stubborn to realize I don’t want a relationship with you.

I hope and pray you took the time to read this letter. I hope you will understand one day that God has blessed me an incredible mother, one that isn’t you. I pray you come to your senses and see that it takes far more to be a mother than giving birth to a child and then one day deciding you are going to be in their life.

You missed so many grand moments in my life, you can never make up to me. You weren’t there when I was lost needing God, you weren’t there when breakups got the best of me, and you weren’t there to catch the tears that fell from my eyes. Receiving awards in school, driving, and graduating are just a few moments I am proud of that you missed. I am a child of God and I have been taught to forgive, but know this…I will never forget.