Dear Spiders On Campus,
I want to start out by telling you what I witnessed today.
Today, I witnessed one of your kind creeping across the sidewalk. You were probably the size of my hand, which may not seem big to some, but to a spider-fearer such as myself, you were flippin' huge. It is needless to say that I walked very briskly away from you and into the dining hall, where I could still see you from my table near the window.
When a campus maintenance worker spotted you, he seemed as horrified as I was. He quickly made his way to where he had left his broom and he started to hit you with it. It was not effective.
I believe that you got away, but I am not positive. I know that you live in the tree near the dining hall in order to scare young freshmen who don't know that that tree is your tree. If you made it back to that tree, then good. Please stay there.
If not, I'm sorry, and this message is to the spiders that survived.
Spiders, please, for the love of dining hall mozzarella sticks, PLEASE leave campus.
Yes, I know that you are an important part of the ecosystem and that you eat all of the annoying insects, but you look like you are going to eat my face. I will take my chances with the insects.
Yes, I know, you were here before me. But you know who else was here before me? Dinosaurs, and you don't see them running around campus, scaring the shit out of students.
So please, please, please, please, stay away from campus. Or at least go to the scary dorm in the corner that no one likes anyway. You know which one I'm talking about.
Oh, and another thing. I want you to know that you are the reason that I had to re-wear some clothes more than desired, because you took over the laundry room. I can't go down there without fearing seeing you on top of the washer or lurking inside of the dryer, waiting for an unsuspecting victim to carry their wet clothes over to you and then drop them on the floor out of fear.
I'm not even going to talk about the time with the bathroom window... Okay, yes I am.
You were there on my very first day of college, creeping around in between the glass and the screen, just out of reach for anyone to remove you. I tried everything to get you to leave, but you stayed, and then suddenly, the scariest thing in the world happened.
The screen tore just enough for you to get through.
You would sometimes disappear during the day, and I would feel compelled to search the entire bathroom before showering just to make sure that you were not waiting to strike at my most vulnerable time. You have no idea how much paranoia you could have spared me by just going somewhere else.
Honestly, there are so many other places around here that you could hang out, catch some cool bugs, and not bother anyone. There's the woods, the creek, the crappy dorm that no one likes...
The point is: I do not hate you, spiders of our campus, I simply fear you.
So please, on behalf of the students, leave campus.
Enjoy your arachnid lives (somewhere else).
Sincerely,
Students everywhere.
P.S. Stink bugs, you're next.
