If you asked anyone who knows me, they'll tell you I'm the happiest girl they know. I'm always wearing a smile on my face.
But on the inside, I'm broken. From just looking at me, you wouldn’t know that I've been sexually assaulted, not once, but twice.
Sexual assault are scary words, and it's something you never think would happen to you. There are many misconceptions about sexual assault. Before I experienced sexual assault, I always thought of sexual assault as a violent, brutal crime, committed by a random stranger, often with alcohol involved. Sure, this kind of sexual assault is real and happens. More commonly, however, sexual assault is perpetrated by an acquaintance and in both of my cases, I was stone cold sober.
Sexual assault happens so fast you can hardly believe what's happening. Your body freezes. You go into shock before you can even defend yourself. What may happen for just a few brief minutes is something a survivor has to live with for the rest of their life. In the words of Lady Gaga, “You don’t know how it feels until it happens to you.”
What happened after sexual assault is a lot like five stages of grief: denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. There are good days and there are bad days. There are triggers. There are flashbacks. You can be kissing someone and be fine. But then, just one kiss or touch can put you back in the place of your assault.
I am a survivor. But I am broken. Something was taken from me and it’s something I can never get back. After months of pain and suffering, I discovered a positive side to what I've gone through. In the fall of my sophomore year of college, I was leading a retreat and noticed one of the girls in my group was crying. She reminded me so much of myself. I had this feeling with just one look at her that she had been sexually assaulted, too. So I pulled her aside. She broke down and told me what happened to her. We helped each other. I learned that the simple act of sharing my story could help a multitude of survivors through their own pain and suffering.
To the survivor, you are beautiful and you are not alone. It is not your fault. You are a survivor and have the power to help other survivors.
To the survivor who speaks out, thank you. Be brave, be bold and be strong in sharing your story. You're not only speaking out for yourself as a survivor, but you’re speaking out for those who aren't yet ready. You're standing up for all survivors and you're doing the right thing. In fact, you could be saving another girl's life.
To the silent survivor, you are not alone. Healing is a process that takes time. Do not give up.
To those who have been fortunate enough to not experience the pain of sexual assault, but know someone who has gone through it: listen, be supportive and be a friend.
I'm sick and tired of hearing people victim blame. I’m sick and tired of hearing rape jokes. Nothing is funny about rape. And I don’t care what anyone says. It doesn't matter what you're wearing, how much you’ve had to drink or the situation you “got yourself into.” It is never the victim's fault and it is our duty to give nothing but support to victims everywhere.
