I know it's been quite a while since we've last seen each other. And I know the last time we saw each other was definitely not during the best of circumstances. I wish it all could've been different. I wish you would've been a part of my life as I grew up. I wish you would've gotten to see me succeed when the world was against me. And I wish you could've witnessed me finally achieving my dreams. But you didn't. And every time something new and wonderful happens in my life, I'm constantly reminded of the fact that you won't get to be a part of it. And each time it's like a part of myself cracks inside.
I tried to salvage what little connection remained. I tried so desperately to mend it back together, but it was like everything and everyone around me did whatever they could to prevent me from doing so. And you never knew that. You never knew that it wasn't me who was preventing us from reconnecting. So you always blamed me for it. Calling me names. Selfish. Greedy. Manipulative. And it was like every name was a stab to the heart. I was never able to tell you that it wasn't my fault either. I was terrified to speak out. I was scared if I did, yours wouldn't be the only relationship I was losing. So I'm sorry you never knew. And I'm sorry how the truth was twisted to the point of hurting you.
Do you know how many birthdays of mine you missed? Or how many Thanksgivings, Christmas', and Easters you missed? Every time another one would happen a part of me would always wonder if you even realized. If you even cared. Was my life, and how much I was a part of your life, even important enough for you to care? Unfortunately, I guess I'll never know. So I'm sorry if my life was a burden in the back of your mind.
Eventually, there came a point where I became too petrified by own fears and worries to even try reaching out to you anymore. Too scared that I'd cause my life to crumble even more. So when months went by without me trying to reach out to you, it was quite the shock to run into you in person. At first, I didn't even recognize you. My mind so hazed by the built up years of sorrow and resentment. But then the person next to me uttered your name and pointed and it was like a ray of sunlight breaking through a storm. I was so happy to even hear your name spoken by them. But once I actually saw you it was like my world was crumbling all over again.
Seeing you after years of not being in contact caused a flood of emotions in my head. Reminders that after years of trying, wanting, things to be better, that maybe you didn't care. The thought that you probably noticed me at that party before I did and didn't bother to say anything to me. And the fact that my mere existence was dead to you. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to go up to you and say something? If so, what could you possibly want to hear come from my mouth? Because all I had for you was an endless amount of heartbroken apologies. Apologies, that in my heart I knew, would never be good enough.
The people around me had to constantly remind me that this wasn't my fault. That I wasn't the catalyst of this nightmare constantly occurring inside my head. They told me to forget about it and move on with my life. But do you even know how impossible that is? How impossible it is to do that when I'm constantly bearing witness to how wonderful your life is progressing, through social media, while in my mind is just wasting away from agony. So to ease the hearts of the people around me I learned to smile. Bare happiness from a simple gesture of a smile, while I was agonizing from within. And even though everyone has told me it's not my fault and I've pretty much have accepted that at this point, I still want to look you in the eye and apologize to you a million times over.
Unfortunately, it's come to the point where maybe I should just accept this. Maybe I should wish you the best of happiness and hit delete one final time. Maybe I should send you that letter I've been writing and revising over a hundred times. Or maybe I should hope you'll read this and realize that we're strangers now and this letter is addressed to you. Maybe one day we'll get to meet and introduce ourselves to each other again. To be able to start over from the beginning. Or maybe we'll just continue to pass each other by in the night without saying a word. But one thing is for sure. I am unbelievably sorry that I didn't try hard enough to fix things between us.