To The Person I Thought I Was Going To Marry,

I’m writing this at 3:30 AM with tears streaming down my face. This is normal. It’s been weeks or now months without you. I sit alone in my bed staring at the ceiling and can’t help but wonder what you’re doing. And then I can’t help but wonder if you still think of me.

These months without you have gone by slow and painfully. The first weeks were filled with puddles and puddles of non-stop tears. My body aching and feeling the pain that I’ve never experienced before. A heartbreak so real that it feels like an out of body experience. It didn’t feel real. Having you not be mine was like not having a limb that you needed and depended on so much before.

You left. You are gone.

The weeks go by and I’m getting better and better. I’ve gotten to get acquainted with my old self, just the person I am in the singular form and not attached to anyone. I wake up in the morning and get dressed and look at myself in the mirror and see myself. I now see myself as an individual and not a counterpart.

I’m now just Lauren.

I’ve gone out and met people and of course none of them close to you. No one will come close to you. At least for a while. I’ve been on dates where I drift off and I can’t help but think that I’m with you again.

And for that brief 10 seconds, I’m over the moon with excitement. Because I would do anything to get those 10 seconds back. But within a second, I realize I’m back to reality.

Without you.

Even though the words we said to each other were awful and should've never been exchanged, I love you no less than I did when we were together. I will always love you. I will always love your laugh and your smile.

I love when you get excited over something that happens and your face lights up. When I get down, I think about those times.

I sit here and write this and look over at the ring on my desk. It sits in its case propped open untouched. I go through many emotions even looking at it.

You made me a promise to love me through thick and through thin. And you did. But I needed to make myself that same promise.

I needed to learn to love myself and to not give up on myself. I needed to learn this lesson of Lauren without a counterpart and Lauren by herself. I needed to shed these tears because you have set the standard for what love is and what I should expect.

I now know who I am and what I am becoming. I am becoming a person I never thought imaginable. I am becoming someone so different than I was a year ago. I have changed and evolved and shifted. I am becoming free and independent, and it feels so good.

This note could come off as obsessive or even downright crazy. I know to some it might. But I know I'm not alone, and I know others feel this way too. I know I'm not alone in this battle of heartache. I just want you to know that I'm OK. I'm doing well.

I will never stop loving you. You were my first love. And that you’ll always be. I’m so grateful God put you in my life and I’ll never stop thinking highly of you. I love you. Fly free

Lauren