To the people I’ve hurt while I was hurting

As human beings we have all been hurt, but does that give us the right to hurt others? Ironically we end up hurting the ones who love us because we are in pain. I’m unsure why this happens but in the end we just end up hurting ourselves even more. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and with age comes wisdom. Everyone has dirty laundry and its time I do some of mine. To all I’ve pushed away, taken for granted, rejected, or hurt in any way.. I am sorry.

Pain can be felt due to any reason, and if we’re going through pain why must we subject those around us to what we feel? It’s not malicious, I never intended to hurt those around me when I was hurting. I was at war with myself and sadly many I loved became casualties. I never intended to damage anyone while I was broken; this article is my sorry.

To my Mom. You are love. You made sure you loved me even when I didn’t love myself. When I was taunted in early high school you were my super hero, when I didn’t quite fit in with little boys growing up, when I wasn’t good at sports, and when all I wanted to do was hide and always swim with a shirt on, you were there. Yet as I grew older I didn’t understand myself. I was confused as a child and I find that I still am that wandering little kid. I wasn’t the easiest to love, half of my toddler years were spent in a hospital, surgery after surgery. Though those were some of my happiest times. Growing up and creating myself I have found that I’ve hurt you maybe more than anyone. In a way I have taken away from you what you have always wanted. I love you and I’m sorry. Still you haven’t given up. You see my true colors, you are my rainbow.

To my Gram. There is nothing better than a Grandma. There is nothing comparable to you. There is so much of you in me and I’m sorry for the pain that has brought you. I’m sorry for the blame placed upon you because I am me. You were there through all the phases I went through. You were there through it all, as I hid alone in my room cutting myself; carving the word ‘alone’ into my chest in secrecy thinking that I was going to be alone forever. You were there. I’m sorry for not validating that and being selfish. I’m sorry for always snapping back when really all you’ve ever done is help me. I’m sorry for being in the winter of my life and denying your sunshine. Its spring now, I promise I am getting warmer.

To my pet. I’m sorry I didn’t realize. I’m sorry depression took me. I’m sorry for yelling at you for shitting in my room. I’m sorry I didn’t take you to the vet enough. I’m sorry for the long days I worked. I’m sorry for leaving to school. You were the brightest light in my life. You were the most beautiful flower. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Together again one day, I loved you more than I knew.

To my sisters. I’m sorry for holding a grudge. I’m sorry I haven’t gotten over how your friends tortured me and burned me like a witch with their words. I’m sorry for embarrassing you. I’m sorry for what you have to hear about me. I’m sorry you had to see me on the dirty. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the sibling you thought you were going to have. I’m sorry I’m so fucking weird. I’m sorry I’m so hard on you about how you look because you’re beautiful just the way you are. You don’t need to look like me to be pretty. I’m sorry I try to feed you make up and heels and make you miniature versions of me. I’m sorry for acting like we’re not sisters. I’m sorry for the brother I have taken from you. I’m sorry for the holidays I’ve ruined because I didn’t feel like family. I’m sorry for not supporting you.I'm sorry for not caring. I'm sorry that it'll take.

To my brother. I’m sorry I don’t know you and that I never will. I’m sorry that I’m not your brother. I’m sorry I haven’t seen a football game of yours. I’m sorry that I have to be sorry.

To my dad. I’m sorry that I don’t see you anymore when I look in the mirror. I’m sorry for what I’m sure you hear about me. I’m sorry that you blame yourself. We were just getting close and I’m sorry I took that away. I’m sorry that I take after you and leave claw marks on anyone I’ve let go. Most of all, I’m sorry that you’re not sorry.

To my old friends. I am a selfish person. I did appreciate you and I do miss you at times. You may not have given me the friendships I needed but you gave me the friendships you had and I am sorry for thinking it wasn’t good enough. I am sorry for not understanding that you can’t be my moon and sun. I am sorry for the nasty things my mouth said out of anger. I am sorry that we will never see the true potential each other will grow into. I’m sorry we won’t be able to look at each other across the table at a wedding rehearsal or baby shower. I’m sorry that friends forever is just a lie young people say not knowing that time changes everything. I am sorry for making you feel like your friendship was not enough. I miss you all sometimes. I wish you the best.

To any boy (or girl) I rejected or hurt relationship wise. I’m sorry for making you feel ugly. I’m sorry for not answering your texts or ignoring you. I’m sorry for not wanting your love. I’m sorry for not knowing how to love. I’m sorry for being a coward. I’m sorry for caring what people think. I’m sorry for making you sleep on the floor. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend because I was lonely and didn’t feel like I was enough for me. I’m sorry to all the girls I’ve put down because they don’t look like me.

I’m healing. I am recovering and have truly reinvented myself. I’ve pushed so many people away so I could teach myself how to fly. I’ve shut so many out so I could be alone and go out of control. I have lost everything and I have experienced true freedom. I’ve hurt many along the way because I was hurting. I was a warpath. I’m not good with apologies. My weakness shouldn’t have caused you pain.

Forgive me.