You probably think I abandoned you...us...our relationship. The truth is no matter what I told you the reason was; I lied.

I was scared to love you.

I was scared to love you because the only idea I ever had of love was so fucked up because of the things another man put me through.

It honestly scared me to think that a man could be so mature and love so fiercely. Because I was used to a coward and a manipulative type of love.

To love someone you have to understand their past. Not like it, just understand so that you can understand someone's motives and flaws.

I thought I didn't deserve you. I had been through such an abusive relationship that I felt completely worthless until I met you. I suppose I hadn't healed from my past. I've learned to accept that the relationship I was previously in cause trauma to my self-esteem and heart. Trauma that I since have worked on and confronted.

So even though it's been a while and you may not even care anymore but I want you to know that I didn't leave because of you. I left because I thought staying would bring you down. To bring someone as good as you down would've been a tragedy in my eyes.

You built me up in ways I didn't know a man could because I was so used to being tore down. You gave me romance and passion so generously. But most importantly you had a huge part in fixing a very broken girl. You showed me that genuine and safe love still existed. You gave me your shoulder to cry on, your ear to listen, and your hand to hold so I'd never feel alone. You turned into the man I dreamed of and prayed for since I was a little girl.

I want you happy now. I really hope you find someone without all the baggage I had to bring with me. No matter what I say, you didn't deserve to be left like that. You deserved love, loyalty, affection...I could go on and on. And if happy means with someone else besides me, I'll swallow my pride and say how proud I am for you. I may even bump into you one day and tell you it's good to see you but deep down it'll hurt.

If I could turn back time I would've stayed. God, I would've stayed. I will never find another like you. You'll always be mine, in the back of my mind. You'll always be my biggest "what if".