An Open Letter to the Grandpa I Never Met

Grandpa,

I never got to met you, but that doesn't mean I don't miss you everyday, because I do. I wish I could have met you every single day. Your death affects me a lot more then I care to admit, but I don't admit it because nobody understands. It's the little things that people with grandpas do not understand. Like how every time I pass a silly mug or keychain in that store that says "#1 grandpa" or "world's best grandpa" my heart breaks. Or how I wonder what I would have called you; grandpa, papa, pa, when we talk about you we call you grandpa Van, I wonder if that would have stuck? I'll always miss you and wonder what life would have been like.

My family tells me all the time that I am just like you. One day while we were eating out, I dipped my fries in my typical ketchup and mayonnaise mixture and my grandma smiled and told me that you used to do that too. Another time I was tapping my leg in church like I always do and my mom yelled at me for it but my aunt told me it was alright because you used to do the same. We share the same type A personality and 'go getter' attitude. We also share the some temper, stress level and how we are both smart but lack common sense. I was also told once that I have a heart like yours, which is the best compliment I have ever been given. My grandma started crying while we were taking picture before my graduation and I assumed it was just because I was graduating. I found out later it was because when I look at her she couldn't believe how much I looked like you with my glasses on. I heard you were an awesome baseball player, I used to play softball too, everyone used to tell me I was such a good pitcher because of you. I also heard you were amazing at pool, I defiantly did not get that gene but that is okay. I am so blessed to be like you, because I like to think that means you planned me with God. It also hurts, because I think if you were still here we would have made the best of friends.

My junior year of high school was crazy, It was a year I really needed you, so when I had two hours off of school I would often go to the cemetery and spend time with you. I still love doing this when I have time. It was almost like what it would have been if you were still here. I really wish I could have just one day with you. One day to tell you who I am. I would tell you that I am still unsure of who I am, and I have my fair share of problems but I love God, people and life. I would tell you all about the things I love. I would tell you I love school, and I am smart. I would tell you I love driving around town and listening to music. I would tell you I love doing mission work and volunteering and truthfully just want to make the world a kinder place. I would tell you about all my really bad habits, like my obsessive need to click my pens or how I make my shower water as hot as possible. I would tell you how I am strong believer that Starbucks, country music and hugs can fix just about any pain and it literally how I deal with everything. I would tell you that I am a super picky eater, and I hate pickles, cottage cheese, cereal, and basically every food but pasta, and how much I hate the way some people drive. Most importantly, I would ask you all the questions I never got to like; how did it feel to fall in love with my grandmother? Did you get to watch me grow up? What is your favorite part about your family? What is the best piece of advice you've ever been given? What was your childhood like? What did you like to do for fun? I would just listen to you talk and listen to every piece m of advice you had for me. I just want to know you far beyond stories. I also realize that one day would never be enough because you can only laugh so much and give so many hugs in one day. After that day, I would probably just be wishing for another, so for right now I'll remain missing you. I know one day God will call me home and I'll be able to spend forever with you. Even though I can't wait for that day, I am not done with this world yet, and won't be for a very long time.

What makes missing you a little easier is that, I know you're my guardian angel. I know this isn't an easy job because I am a risk taker. I am sure that you probably curse every time I drive way to fast and don't wear my seatbelt. I know that you are watching me from Heaven, but it makes me sad that you're not here to see me grow up. You should have been there in June when I walked across that stage, but also I bet you had the best seat in the house up in Heaven. You should have been here to cheer my name every time I stepped on stage to dance. You should have been there for the little moments like taking me out for ice cream, teaching me how to fish and Christmas dinners. I have a feeling that if you were still here you would be really hard on me when I screwed up in the most loving way, and I probably would not have minded that. You also would have spoiled me rotten, but don't worry grandma has that part covered. I also think we would have been really close. I would have loved to go to baseball games with you and I think you would have loved it too, I would have loved anytime with you. I hope you're proud of me for going to college, and that you approve of me wanting to be a teacher because honestly it makes me so excited. I bet you miss us too, but I hope you smile when you see how great we are all doing, even though you should be here too.

I think about you every single day. In my room, I have my picture and a picture of you side to side because that is the closest I am ever going to get to having a picture with you, and that breaks my heart. I wish we had pictures of me and you when I was born, my first days of school or at prom. It also breaks my heart that the closest relation I have to you is my mom, and we don't have a good relationship. I am really sorry about this, but she hurt me a lot and although I am working on forgiving her I am not sure it will ever happen. I wish I was not so angry at her, and I really hope you're not angry at me about this. All in all, I am doing good without her though, I promise, but you already know this.

I am so blessed to be able to hear stories about you, but stories can't tell what your hugs felt like, or what your laugh sounded like or even what your voice was like. Stories can give me a little insight on who you were though. From what I hear about you, you had your faults like us all but you were also a man that it felt good to be around, you cared about people a lot and this is how I know you care about all of us still, which makes the wait of missing you easier. Grandpa, always remember that you are forever in my heart, and I will always strive to make you proud so you can brag to all your angel friends about me. Love you forever ❤️

Your granddaughter,

Lexi