In times of introspection and self-reflection, I like to remind myself of how and why I love you. I enjoy making lists of why I'm as fond of you as I am, and how I choose to both manifest those feelings, as well as express them. It's important and healthy for me to remain cognizant of what makes our relationship as great as it is, as I know it is important for you too. I want you to know that my love for you is not correlative with your mental illness.
In fulfilling my promise to always be honest with you, I cannot and will not tell you that our dealings and time spent on your mental illness bears no weight on me. I think about it often. But it could never be enough to take a toll on me, for so many reasons. With every obstacle and puzzle, I'm left that much more in awe of your perseverance and courage, and am consequently only drawn closer to you. The weight of being here for you in times of illness is but a feather when scaled against all the other reasons I care so deeply for you. It stands no chance in spoiling all the amazing memories that we have already made, as well as the ones we will continue to make, as new journeys find us.
Even with your mental illness, and what you feel to be a burden on me, you still mean more to me than the world. Even on your worst days, being your boyfriend and getting to be here for you gives me a purpose and joy that I have never before had bestowed upon me. If anything, I owe you a thank you. Amidst a tense phone call, tears, or repetition, there is yet a feeling of fulfillment and pleasure in getting to be the one who can and will comfort you through these times.
I want to always know you and be there for you. Not just in the times that are easy and convenient, but also on the days where finding a solution takes a little extra thinking, or we need to breathe and back track the conversation to remain composed. Love is not taking the parts of a person that are easy for us to handle. Love is taking a person for everything they are, and accepting it, embracing it, and engaging with it. Love is finding someone who gives you purpose in being there for them in times of simplicity, as well as times of deep complexity. Love is the concinnity of two people. My angel, I love you.
When I think of you, your illness rarely comes to mind, believe it or not. Remaining calm and patient with you is easy because even when you are having a tough day, I see you as so much more than a diagnosis or symptom. Your symptoms and illness don’t phase me because my love for you grants me the ability to see deeper than them. I see your true colors, and the girl I hopelessly fell in love with. I can’t fathom being anything less than patient with you. I can’t and don’t want to.
You often tell me there’s no way you could thank me enough, even though I feel you already have. However, I couldn’t think of a better way to thank me than continuing to let me be here for you, and hold your hand while you walk through your struggles. Just having you here is enough for me.
I could never expect you to just believe that I will always remain by your side. But I will still assure you that when you cannot keep rooted, I will be beside you with my feet planted and a firm grip of your hand. Luckily, we have an eternity for me to prove it to you every day.
I love you, and whether the day is magnificent, treacherous, enlightening, or harrowing, I couldn’t ask for a better partner to walk forward with.
Your Ever Present Boyfriend