Dear Frito-Lay Corporation,
I have been a loyal and devoted consumer of your DORITOS® seasoned tortilla chips for over a decade now, which is why I am sad to admit that your company is doing something very, very wrong.
)
Let me start by saying that I have held my tongue for your company many a time. I said nothing, for example, when you came out with that Superbowl ad this year that was kind of controversial and not really all that funny. I also stood by you when I discovered that your products are highly addictive and potentially dangerous to my health. I kept quiet about these things because I loved your product and I respected your company.
But after this week's events, I simply can not remain silent any longer. I am forced now to put aside my family-size bag of Doritos, and my habit of spontaneously purchasing said bags on a weekly basis. Because when you began using Batman to advertise your products, you left me no choice but to speak out.
For a company whose products are enjoyed by millions of children every day, I can't imagine a more disappointing choice. I mean, honestly, Batman? I don't think you could have chosen a more ethically-questionable character if you tried. You might as well have put the Joker on the bag at this point; at least, he would have warned parents to stay away. But Batman? I'm going to go ahead and say that this is the most irresponsible thing your company has ever done.
Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not going to stop eating Doritos over this. When I said earlier that I was "putting down my family-size bag," I meant that in a purely metaphorical sense. I've been enjoying the bold, cheesy flavor of Doritos for too many years; quitting is simply not an option. That said, I will certainly think twice before recommending them anytime soon. I mean really, he's called The Dark Knight for a reason, folks. It's because he's morally ambiguous! How could anyone miss that part?
In fact, Frito-Lay, I'm willing to go ahead and accuse your company of deliberately corrupting our nation's youth. That's right, I said it. It's right there in the previous line. As a devoted customer, I personally cannot imagine any other intention being the cause of this terrible marketing decision.
Pictured: a violent, costumed billionaire who preys on ordinary citizens under the guise of vigilante justice (playbuzz.com)
And before anybody says it, this has nothing to do with my personal frustrations with the Doritos brand. No, it's not because I'm tired of scraping the orange dust off of my keyboard every couple of days. It's not because of all the weight I've gained, either. It's not even because of my growing suspicions that the orange dust is merely a sneaky way for your company to get more sales by exploiting peoples' unwillingness to wash their hands until they're certain that they've eaten enough Doritos. No, this has nothing to do with any of that.
This is about the children, and about Batman. This kind of marketing is a serious problem that teaches all of the wrong messages to our children. Eating a steady diet of delicious, cheesy Doritos from ages eight to 20 is one thing, but idolizing a vicious and controversial anti-hero such as Batman is another thing altogether.
Believe me, this isn't the only problem I have with your new packaging design, Frito-Lay. I have an entire list of complaints, only several of which are related to the fact that I have woken up on the side of the road, confused and with nothing but an empty Doritos bag to keep me warm, on numerous occasions. No, I assure you that most of these issues are very serious and require your immediate attention, and that they will be explained to you in vigorous detail as soon as I manage to put down my current bag of Doritos and begin typing with both hands.
Author's Posthumous Note:
Unfortunately, the author was not able to complete the article before succumbing to his fatal addiction to nacho cheese flavored Doritos. In his memory, we have decided to publish the work that he completed before his death.
