I am from the sea. I am from waves. Connected by islands, Beaufort, South Carolina is a beautiful tourist destination. Life on the islands flow like the breeze as daily routines synchronize with the tides. The scent of the coast mixes with the pink azaleas creating a native perfume that calls you home every time you’re away. But even the sea has its secrets.
I was born in a thunderstorm, but not the kind that brings lightning and rain. My birth came on the tails of an already drowning marriage. My mother constantly struggled to keep the relationship afloat and that showed in our family dynamic.
There were times when my mother transformed herself into a shield, taking the blow, so we didn’t have to. She would provide him with meals so my siblings and I could do our homework in peace. Her time and effort was sacrificed every night, even after a long day at work, to clean the entire house while my father laid in bed.
He never really made time for a game of catch or bedtime stories. Instead, he spent most of his time working or just “away.” Don’t get me wrong, there were the occasional fun vacations or fishing trips, but those just felt like a façade.
I preferred it this way. I preferred him distant, invisible even because whenever he decided he wanted to be home, the walls were always stained with harsh words and raised fists. The bruises on your skin never hurt as bad as the scars he’d leave on your heart. Like a tidal wave, he’d not only crash into you, but take pieces of your happiness as he went. My mother was always battling the tsunami as he exploded about things like a misplaced wallet, thinking we had somehow taken it, or the house being a complete mess-he refused to ever clean it. She made herself into a dam, keeping us from feeling the full force of the current.
Most children learn to read by first or second grade, I was reading by the second week of kindergarten. Surpassing my peers, I moved on to chapter books while they were still mulling over the pamphlets for beginner readers.
A teacher’s job is to edify their students. My kindergarten teacher took her job description to the next level. She had this saying she would repeat every time we turned in work she saw as outstanding. “B-E-A-Utiful!” she would call out with gusto. This was the affirmation I had been missing at home. The more I chased this praise the faster I learned. By fourth grade, I was reading on a high school level, almost skipping the next grade. They held off on this due to the fact that my home environment had left me socially stunted.
Still, school was my escape. In my classes, I resembled a Golden Retriever. I was thirsty for knowledge and eager to please. I went in with a tattered self-esteem and soon rose with a pride I had never experienced My intelligence set me apart from my siblings and gave me a medium to let out my frustrations at home. It was there that I found my voice.
By High school, the situation at home had become so intolerable that escape was imperative. Since eighth grade, I had been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideations. I decided to leave after an altercation with my parents resulted in a two-week psychiatric stay. At that point, my confidence was so extirpated that staying was no longer an option. On a night much like the day I was born, I packed what I could into two small book bags and walked out. Bouncing from house to house, the length of my stays depended on who was able to financially support me at the time. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to be a high school junior, having to call around to all of your friends to beg them to let you sleep over. Or being asked to leave someone’s house after they listened to one of my dad’s carefully constructed lies. I had no money and jobs were scarce for 17-year-olds with no driver’s license or reliable transportation. College for a girl like me became “A pipe dream,” as my dad would say.
Life started turning up when my grandparents agreed to let me stay with them until graduation. They took care of me and allowed me to pursue school full-time. I turned my grades around and got a job part time to help pay for my expenses. College still seemed impossible, until I discovered the financial aid and scholarships that Norwich offers. I never thought I could into such a prestigious college, but it became the relief I was craving.
It seemed I was always meant to have a gypsy soul. Though I have only lived in three states in my entire life, I’ve never had a permanent “home.” Even the living situation with my grandparents was temporary. Since leaving home, I haven’t lived in one house for more than a year. Now I’m hoping Norwich will be that home. The permanence I’m chasing. For the next four years, I won’t have to wonder where I’ll be sleeping tomorrow night. For the first time in about two years, I can actually unpack a bag without it being in vain.
It’s been said that smooth seas don’t make skilled sailors. Storms are meant to develop you into the person you’re supposed to be. My childhood was a thunderstorm, but in that storm I learned to breathe. In that storm, I found my wings.
