Before I begin, I don’t know what it’s like to be you nor do I pretend to. You’ve taken a different path in life that I would have. I picked up the pen and you picked up the pipe.

You think I judge you. The truth is I just want to know why. I want to know why you relied more on pills than your family. I want to know why you manipulated us? We tried to be there for you. We tried to give you so much. We tried to take care of you. We tried to love you. But it wasn’t enough.

I doubt you remember this but I was around 13 on the day you first told me that you were going to get better. It was the day you promised me to stay sober and made me promise that I would graduate high school, graduate college, and that you would never touch drugs again. You waved as I dropped you off at the rehab center. I had so much hope. My hope was crushed two days later along with my heart. I felt like I lost you and I became very bitter. I lost the one I looked up to.

Over the years, I’ve held a lot of hatred inside of me and I'm sorry. I’ve forgiven you even after everything you have done. I forgive you. Drugs destroyed who you were and shaped who I would become.

Everything I did was secretly for you. I saw the childhood you threw away and chose to embrace it. I walked across the stage to receive my diploma since you sat that stage of life out. I went to college and began to pursue my dreams since you let yours go up into a puff of smoke.

You see, if you would have never touched drugs, you would have been right beside me. You would’ve gone on to change the world. But you made those decisions. You chose the things that took over your mind.

Instead of wishing “what ifs”, I will choose to pray for your life. Even though it is a dream, I want you to get better. I still look back to that one evening of beautiful sobriety and I do everything because of you. If you are reading this, you are loved. I miss my friend. I miss you.

“I loved you at your darkest.” Romans 5:8