An open letter to the “boy” who never knew what trust meant,

It's hard to know after all you've taken from me, you still find ways to take. Need I remind you that you already lost all my trust and broke my heart? The moment you went to another girl for love was the moment you decided you didn't actually love me. From the beginning you lied to me. You lied about your past, who you were, and what you've done. You never told me the total count and the important details. From the beginning you had me fooled. But hold on, I'm at fault as well. A good dozen people warned me not to start anything with you -- even one described you to be a “people’s con artist.” Boy, were they right. For a while I believed we were happy. I thought I was doing everything right, and that you were too. But yet again, I was wrong. The lies started to unfold and show through the surface, and that's where the fighting began. You started by lying to me about the small simple things, which got me thinking about all the other lies you've told me. I remember a time when you actually made me believe all of our fights were my fault. You specifically told me that the reason I didn't believe you was MY fault. Oblivious and blind-sided, I believed you and the stories you told me. It was common for me to cry, because you really made me believe that I was messed up in the head for my gut telling me not to believe you. To this day you don’t know the amount of times I woke up in the middle of the night or couldn’t sleep because I had a feeling you were out giving your love to someone else and abusing my trust. A while went by where I knew things weren't right, but I wanted you so much that I swept everything under the rug. The controlling began too. You cut me off from people I traveled with, people I was friends with, and even didn't want me to talk to some of your friends. I know I'm guilty of that as well, and near the end it was worse on my behalf than the beginning. Where did it all begin though? Now, I know that you began all of that because you were afraid I'd find a way to betray your love, like you were doing mine.

During that same time, I was doing my best to give you everything I could give. Always spending my time with you, always trying to do things with you. You were always on my mind, and no matter where I went, I came back with something new for you. I fell in love with your family as well. To this day I still think they're amazing people who should be thanked endlessly for all they do for others. I always wonder, ‘how did such a corrupt child come from such an amazing family?’ They deserve so much respect, appreciation, and love. Your mom is the one who told me that the way a son treats his mom is the way he will treat his girlfriends, and I know now I should have listened and paid more attention to her advice. You always told me the only reason you were nice was to get their money. You relentlessly lied to them repeatedly and never took blame for the things you did them wrong by. Me on the other hand, loved being with them and I eventually felt as if I were apart of your family. Besides your family, I really was completely taken by you. You were almost always sweet to me, taking me places and giving me back tickles when I had cramps. You had good intentions I'm sure (I don't actually know to be honest). We spent our money on experience types of activities instead of items, because you knew I wasn't a materialistic kind of girl, I never wanted jewelry or shoes or makeup or clothes, I wanted experiences and memories with you. Although there was one thing I'd have loved, and you knew it too. Beautiful flowers, whether they were picked or cheap ones from the store. The only materialistic item I ever hinted to want was flowers. But the only time I got them was when you realized I figured out your lies.

One day, everything changed dramatically. I remember waking up that day and I had the day off. So we were with each other around one pm and planned on going to my family's little cook out by the lake and then we were going to go to the drive ins. It was honestly such an off day. My mood was off and I was really down. I remember driving to my Aunt's apartment with you by my side and listening to “Love Yourself” by Justin Bieber. And of course, I thought, ‘I hope this song doesn't remind him of me.’ We got to the cook out and we were just hanging around until I started to talk to my aunt. We were talking about a bunch of different things. But eventually the conversation turned into the subject of my cousin's ex girlfriend. We just discussed how he was held back from all the opportunities he was given, how he wasn't appreciated enough, and how his love was pretty much thrown in the trash. We talked about how much they argued and how it all ended with lack of trust. Immediately I put our relationship into that perspective. When we left, I spent the entire car ride back in a sad mood and I kept thinking to myself, ‘All of our problems are my fault. I hold him back, I must not appreciate him enough. I must not show him my love enough. I must be wrong about not having much trust in him. The reasons we are having these issues are my fault.’ The funny thing is you let me believe that, you let me cry in front of you for a good 20-30 minutes while I was confessing how bad of a girlfriend I was, how I believed I was the real issue in our relationship. You let me hurt myself over something that wasn't my fault. I went home alone upset and thinking it was all my fault. I sat there for hours crying to myself thinking our issues were my fault. Where were you? You were out with friends having a good time. We didn't end up going to the drive ins because you wanted to be with friends and I was too upset with myself. Later that night, closer to midnight, she messaged me. Telling me how you repeatedly told her you and I broke up, telling her how you wanted her, talking to her as if you wanted to love her. That was the moment I started to piece it all together. All the girls who you'd get random messages from while we were together, how you'd forget to delete conversations all the way and I'd see them, how so many people were telling me about what you were doing behind my back. Not only during our relationship, but things started to come out about everything you lied to be about before we started to date.

The truth is, you were the issue in our relationship. Always lying, always telling me you needed more, always changing up the story, always having your friends cover for you, always threatening me, always doing what you thought was best. You couldn't even spare 10 minutes of your time to listen to an essay that I was really proud of writing, take a nice picture with me unless I begged and bargained, or to tell me congratulations when I was invited to leadership conferences. You would purposely make me feel bad about my role in our relationship, make me cry and feel sick to my stomach, and twist everything around to make you look like the good guy. But I was never a bad girlfriend. You are the one who ruined our relationship. You are the repulsive corrupt one, the one who doesn't know right from wrong. I knew you were full of lies and games. Oh my, did you play games. How many times did I have to tell you I didn't like playing your games? You would always win. I was believing all of your lies and each of your tricks. Each move you made was hard to follow at the time, but now I have you all figured out. But you can continue to lie to your friends and family and even my friends about me and our relationship. But people will start to get fed up with your lies and your unreliable person. Just like I did. They will all figure out that not an inch of you cares about anyone other than yourself. You only do things for your own benefit. And I think what hurts the most is knowing you don't even care about what you've done to me. Each day since I found out about your lack of loyalty, I've cried. I've cried with a broken heart, trying to understand what I did wrong to deserve this pain. Why wasn't I enough? What wasn't I giving you? What did I do to bring this upon myself? Why why why? What could other girls give to you that you needed so badly that you would hurt me like this?

From the beginning you knew I had trust issues, yet you continued to knock down all the trust I had built up. Do not tell me one more time that you didn't cheat on me, because matter of fact, you did. I gave you all of me and what you did was tell me I wasn't good enough for you. You betrayed my love. Not only did you CHEAT on me, but you would always lie to me; who you were with, what you were doing, where you were at, when you went to bed, your past, me, your family, a foreign girl, a 13-year-old, your friends, school, sports, you even lied to me about your dog. You let me believe for months that I was the problem, that I was the one guilty for our problems. And then even after our relationship, you kept taking and taking and taking from me. You took my friends, and you lied to them about me. You hung out with them and got them to turn their backs on me for. I had no one. You even went the extra mile and have been continuously hanging out with a girl I used to call my best friend -- taking her on dates, watching the sunset with her, and telling her a pool full of lies to yet again ruin me and bring me down for something I have never been at fault for. But most of my friends realized how disgusting and messed up you are, and they figured out that although I sounded crazy, I was being honest, unlike you. You tried telling me still that I was the one at fault for everything you did. But honey, it's time to grow up. You aren't supposed to be a child anyone, depending on your parents and taking toys from other people to hurt them. You will never ever comprehend the ideology of what it is to be a man. And one day when you have a daughter, I hope that she doesn't ever fall in love with a boy like her father. Now when I listen to “Love yourself,” I think of you.

I will not let this ruin me more than it has. I will pick myself up and move on. You're a grand mistake that I have learned from and will continue learning from. I will be happy. I will move and see greater places, I will study as hard as I can to learn and prosper. I won't be afraid to love and trust a man, just because a boy betrayed my love and broke my heart. I will not let you have control over that sort of power. I will not let myself think that I am not good enough. I will know that I am much better of a person than you have made me out to be. I will buy my own flowers, and accept them gladly from someone who will treat me the way I truly deserve to be treated. I will see you around town, and I won't cry, I won't hurt, and I won't look away. I will make sure you know that I am strong, smart, happy, beautiful, loved, and better off -- without you, boy.