Dear Old Best Friend,

I know you said you felt like I was losing myself to my relationship, and maybe in the beginning that was right. Maybe, in the beginning, I was so excited with the idea of love and so excited to feel this love that was so unknown to me that I gave it my everything. It was a love that made everything around me in my crazy, chaotic life, for once feel calm and I was so ready to give it my all. But a year and a half later, this “relationship” has blossomed into one thing I cherish the most and this “relationship” allowed me to become someone I am proud of, and someone who values herself more than ever before, and someone who pursues her passions indefinitely, and I believe it's because I allowed myself to give it all I got and as you said “lose myself in love”.

Because of this “relationship,” I've come to love the things I used to despise. I love Christmas time and I love the spring and the way the colors are vibrant with life. I love the way that I appreciate colors and don’t stick to monochromatic color schemes to match how I used to feel on the inside. I feel so much more with this love in my life and the world holds so much more beauty now that I have this love by my side. And since I've found this love, I've found myself.

For a long time, due to a lot of pain, I refused to let myself feel love and I refused to believe that I deserved love and because of that I began to live my world in dark colors. These darks colors surrounded me and I lost myself in that darkness and was content not knowing what it felt like to live a life filled with love. I let my pain control me and when we became best friends you knew me in my state of pain and confusion, and the happiness that you saw was never a true joy, it was an imitation of what I thought everyone should see.

As the days went on and my relationship flourished, I learned to feel emotions again, I learned to lean on people when I didn’t feel strong enough, I learned that not all the time do I have to fight my battles alone. The best part of knowing love is knowing that your battles are not yours alone and learning to accept the help when you need it. I learned that my creativity in my artistry flourished when I could feel raw emotions, and I learned that expressing those emotions is what makes me, ME, not who you thought I was. As a best friend, that should have been enough for you. My growth and self-acceptance should have been all you ever wanted as my best friend, but instead, you wanted me to be the same girl you met 2 years ago, and that’s just not what I want for myself. I want to grow.

You said I “got defensive every time you brought up my change” and it’s taken me 2 months to realize that I was defending myself, and who I was becoming. I wasn’t getting defensive because I thought you were “right” I was getting defensive because I was defending what was mine, I was defending my growth and my change, and I was proud of it.

We live in a world that is constantly changing and we are constantly meeting people who shape our reality and outlook on the world, so changing as a person and growing into what God intended me to be, is by no means “losing myself”. We are not meant to be the same person we were 2 years ago, let alone 2 months. And the one person that opened my eyes to the beauty of the world is the person who helped me realize that I have the potential to do anything I put my mind to, and the person who taught me how to open my heart and give love with my entire being.

So no, I didn't lose myself in my relationship, I may not be the girl that you were friends with 2 years ago, because I grew, because I learned to love and learned to forgive and learned to lean on my faith. I learned that if you don’t grow, then what are you learning? And just because that wasn't something you were used to does not mean that I lost myself, I just wasn't who YOU wanted me to be. And that’s okay, because despite our falling out, and losing a best friend, I learned that there are best friends in my life that support my growth and my change and friends that will do anything to help me achieve them.

But you’re not a part of the journey anymore, and as much as it still stings some days, I thank you for the years of friendship that you did provide, and the memories and lessons that you taught me, and for making me realize that in order to find myself, I had to be willing to let love in and experience it with ever fiber of my being.