Dear Ross,
I think you’re a very, very lost character, and very despicable at times.
I believe that the whole point you exist is to spur on this great decade-spanning “romance” between you and Rachel. But let me tell you, it is no romance.
Let’s start at the beginning. You have a crush on Rachel, and you spend high school and a good part of college infatuated with her. She, in turn, thinks you’re a dork and turns you down, which would be okay, because, you know, you’re young, you’re not into each other.
Fast forward several years. You’ve just gotten out of a marriage in which you discovered that your wife is a lesbian. This in of itself would be a bit of a downer, and I can understand how it would be catastrophic in your future life, causing you to struggle to find a companion.
In this, your friends Chandler and Joey convince you to not let it get you down and just get back out there. Grab a spoon, as they say.
Which. Would be fine. Except you go for Rachel, who just got out of an almost marriage. She just had a huge life upheaval, is out of a relationship, and is clamoring for something more in her life that isn’t little pretties and inconsequential and boys. And then you start to hit on her, and get into her life. No single woman is complete without a man, I suppose.
When you do finally date her, things are going well, except you turn into a selfish, jealous jerk and then the whole rest of the next nine to ten years are you de-evolving into a self-absorbed ass. I mean, you wrote a list out with all these negatives about her, and she was right. She said, I quote, “Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.”
I already had my doubts when you had your son Ben and were being such a sexist because you were a man, pushing Carol and Susan to the limits and denying their legitimacy as parents. You hate Susan, because she took away your wife. But she wasn’t yours. Carol is a person too, who happened to find her soulmate. At least you got many years with a good friend, you know.
But one thing to another, Ross! Take when you and Rachel broke up for the first time. You treated her like a possession, like she was yours to please you and that she couldn’t have a job. She has this successful life now, she’s finding her passion, she’s finding she can be independent and have it all, except you want her all to yourself. She doesn’t exist to please you.
Even if you and Rachel were on a break, you had sex with another woman less than 24 hours after the fact, especially since you’ve supposed to have been in love with her since you were kids! No wonder you hurt her beyond belief, no wonder she is so afraid to trust you again, no wonder when you had that relapse at the beach, she wrote you a long letter trying to make you understand.
But everything after too. When you said her name at Emily’s wedding, which was such a dick move. To be so absorbed and creepy about one woman that you can’t pay attention to the woman in front of you trying to make a life-long commitment to be with you? I mean you barely paid attention to her wishes before the wedding and only bucked up because of Monica, but still! And when you and Rachel got married in Vegas. You never told Rachel you were still married to her later on and had the nerve to convince her to live with you?
When you got Rachel pregnant, and you could only go on about the condom company, and then once you were done with that, you assumed that Rachel wasn’t strong enough or good enough to do it on her own. You always assume that people need you. Maybe it’s a deep-rooted fear that if people don’t need you, what’s the point? So you feel you have to assert yourself. But damn, Ross, chill!
Just, everything you do, you don’t do it for someone else’s benefit. In the end, an argument has to be made where it benefits you somehow. Everything. You whine and you whine about how your life is awful and things don’t go your way, but why can’t you stop and count the blessings? You have your parents and sister, your wonderful friends (and I mean wonderful, how else have they managed to stick through your crap), a steady job and a doctorate in a field you love, a beautiful little boy, a beautiful baby girl…it’s really hard to like you when you can’t see what you have.
Then near the end. When Rachel had a job opportunity in Paris. I admit that Phoebe talked you into a good majority of it, but even before, you were trying to sabotage Rachel and a magnificent opportunity for herself, her career, her future just because you wanted to get some and keep her close to you? She was going to go to Paris and you managed to convince her to throw it all away for you. You’re a master manipulator, I’ll give you that.
With Emily, she had to throw her life away and move to New York. With everyone, they have to throw it all down and give you what you want. Even when all of Monica’s childhood possessions were destroyed, when her whole life she had been overshadowed by you, you still wanted it all, you still wanted that Porsche.
Just…just why are you so selfish? Why does the sun rise and set with you? I could touch on every single moment and pull all the wrong things out, and it still wouldn’t be enough.
They say that you, Ross, care the most. Since when? I only see that you care about yourself.
Mic drop.
