Hey, there. You’ve probably heard this question dozens of times in your life already, but for the sake of my ego, I’m going to ask it again:

If you could have a superpower, what would you want it to be?

You probably answered with something generic like fire, super speed, time travel, etc. Basically a superpower that a comic book hero or villain already has. Oh, I bet some of you have some elaborate reasoning behind it too. You think you’re so smart because you found a different way to use seemingly relatively worse powers for cheap life hacks. Great job. Too bad you don’t actually have powers.

Or you could be one of those odd ones out that comes up with some whacky idea no one’s ever conceived before. Wonderful. Truth is, I don’t particularly give a shit either way. I told you already, this is all for my ego anyway.

And so I’ll tell you what my preferred superpower would be if I could pick anything: shape-shifting. Seems pretty mundane. I can already hear some of you now. “But mister whatever, why would you pick that when you can pick something so much better like ____ (insert random godly, overpower ability here)?”

Well, I’ll tell you why, simpletons.

Shape-shifting is awesome because you can become anyone or anything and just escape your responsibilities. You don’t have to do anything if you can just become someone else. As soon as a task comes your way (and it always will), just morph into something else. Hell, you can even turn invisible if you need.

So you’re probably questioning why I’m telling you all this. It’s because, much as I want, I can’t choose my superpower. It’s not in the same way as you, where you don’t even have one. I do have superpowers (note the plural), and it sucks.

See, here’s the thing about having abilities. You instantly become a thing. People will always have something to talk about when it comes to you. Everything you do is considered worthy of media attention. I could walk into a damn restaurant in some nice clothes and have a couple of “journalists” going crazy over my sense of fashion. Don’t even get me started on the conspiracy theorists.

“Yes, he’s been visiting Subway once every week recently. And every single time, he’s ordered a chicken parm with pickles. However, on his last visit, he didn’t just order a chicken parm with pickles but also with a cookie! What could this mean? Well, my theory is that—”

Blah, blah, blah. Nobody fucking cares. What I eat is my business. I could have a sugar deficiency, I could be storing the food for winter because I hibernate, or I could just be buying one because I got a fucking craving. Doesn’t matter because it’s none of your damn business. Just because I’m different or special (or superior) doesn’t mean you have to cast the limelight on my every action. And I especially don’t appreciate the paparazzi every time I go to the beach. Yeah, I brought blue trunks this time. What’s so interesting about that?

But what really irritates me are my powers. I have a couple of high-profile ones, like flight, super strength, and speed. So, for some reason, people think it’s my responsibility to help them out whenever they’re in need. Excuse me. Help yourself out. I’m not obligated to do shit for you just because I was born this way. If your cat is stuck in a tree, don’t expect me to take time out of my day and save it when I can just call a firefighter. If your money was stolen by a mugger, call the cops. I have a full-time job. I don’t have time to fly through the city for that one wallet that’s probably been emptied out already. If I’m going to fight some big baddie and put my own life at risk, it’s going to be because he or she pissed me off. Just because I have some abilities doesn’t mean I’m automatically required to dispense them to every single creature who wants them. If I’m responsible with my powers and I keep to myself, I should be left to myself, not unwillingly thrown in front of an audience for its enjoyment.

That’s why I’d want to have shape-shifting. For all those people who want anything else, you’re crazy, and you couldn’t stand this public treatment for months on end. Shape-shifting is where it’s at. It’s simple, and it’s boring, It can’t really be used to help the masses, and it’s perfect for avoiding attention.

P.S. What makes me laugh is when people expect me to be a shining example of a perfect human being just because I can lift cars and fly around. I’m really not. I’m closer to a rude bastard, actually, and I love it. Don’t expect me to change my behavior because I’m famous. I’m no role model to kids, and I shouldn’t have to be.