"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up." -Alex, Grey's Anatomy
Dear nineteen,
You took so much from me this year, I almost said everything but you still have two and a half weeks left and I don't want to give you a challenge.
You were the year that kicked me when I was down and then came back around driving a bus to run me over. You had it out for me since day one, and if I am being honest, you completely destroyed me. You broke me into a million pieces and seemed to do it several times. You left me unrecognizable. My sister put it best, "the glitter left me" this year.
You made me face realities that I wasn't ready to face and gave me battles that I didn't want to fight. Battles that I wasn't prepared to fight and they were never ending. I was forced to keep moving forward even though I wasn't sure if I had a future to move towards.
From normal nineteen-year-old girl struggles to my health hitting a new low, my year was filled with about 365 days that I barely made it through. I have had tough years before just like anybody, but this year was different for me- it didn't loosen its hold.
You gave me a new appreciation for the art of mental illness. You showed me that it can happen to anyone and that you may never know because it can be hidden so very well. You showed me the same thing when it comes to physical illness, it isn't always visible. People fight some really tough battles that we may never know about. I know, because you taught me how to hide mine.
You showed me that I know myself better than anyone. You especially taught me that I know my body better than anyone, even the people with several degrees under their belt. I learned that even the best doctors are wrong sometimes.
You showed me who was in my corner and who would fight my battles with me. You showed me that people have their own inner demons and sometimes leave you when you when you need them the most, but that's okay because I have me. You made me realize the importance of the relationship I have with myself. I love myself in a way that I haven't before. I now know how to love myself in my darkest hours, days or even years.
More importantly, you showed me the importance of my relationship with God. You showed me that I don't have to be in a sanctuary to feel close to him. Sometimes a hospital waiting room is the best church.
Do you want to know how to make God laugh? Tell him your plans. You showed me that you can have a perfect, foolproof plan, but you still need to accept it for what it is when it goes up in flames. You taught me to embrace the unknown and I have found myself living a bit more in the moment because I don't know what the next one will bring. I appreciate the little things so much more now.
You gave me more scars than I care to admit. However, with each new one, I have learned a lesson and was given a new hope. You showed me over and over again that it is okay to have moments of weakness as long as I pull myself together enough to carry on right after.
Because of you, I have felt every emotion possible, but now I know how to work through those and put them in their place.
Above all else, nineteen, you taught me that I can handle anything. I will always survive. As hard as it is to say, thank you. You have prepared me for whatever twenty may bring.
Xx
I will not miss you, though.
