Content warning: This article contains details of rape.
To my rapist,
October 13, 2018. Do you remember that early morning? I'll have to admit I still can't recall every little detail. Is that truly something that the human mind is capable of? Everything it does to try and maintain what little sanity is left after being raped.
I spent months trying to stay numb and forget the memories I still have of you. But you see, I wanted to forget so fucking bad that I drove myself insane. I could not forget what you did to me. Sure, my mind did its best to block out those heartbreaking details but, you can't deny the trauma, not for long at least. Slowly, it crept back in like a shadow of despair. This led me to a mental breakdown.
The self-blaming, racing thoughts of suicide and vivid memories grew stronger with each passing day.
You made me want to die.
I often wondered if you'd feel remorse. Would you feel anything at all? Are you even capable of feeling things? If so, how can someone who feels things strip a person of all their self-worth? You held so much power over me. I was fed up and simply ready to give up. Instead, I got the courage and asked for help.
That's when I realized that I am in control. Being in control forces you to make decisions. Through my lows and highs, suicidal thoughts and PTSD I knew I was going to hold on and keep fighting.
Those Band-Aids I used to cover my scars would soon be ripped open, for all to see. The wounds got deeper with every memory relived. They say time heals all wounds but I disagree. As time passes, you eventually just come to terms and accept them. You realize living with the scars is better than not living at all. I can go back to that morning so easily. Seeing your face in that room again, smelling your cologne, and feeling your first gentle, then forceful hands once I resisted.
Your touch still flows through me. Panic attacks, vivid flashbacks, and nightmares are my new reality.
What I know now as PTSD was once pure insanity.
What I'm trying to do now is think less and less about that morning and more about how I allowed the rape and aftermath of it to make me into a better person. I know the person I once was and the person I am today are two very different people. I've spent enough time with anger and denial. But the rape did happen and I accept that because here I am at 20 years old, fighting a battle I thought would kill me. The person I am today is not the same self-hating, numbing and damaged 19-year-old I once was. It's crazy what one year full of trauma does to a person.
I want you to know you did not break me.
I know that someone like you, hateful and selfish could never break someone like me. I used fear, hate and shame to make myself a good person. The person I hoped I'd become. A person who never gives up. You did not give me this strength, but I'm grateful to you for showing me I had it in me. I'm stronger than I ever thought possible. I am no longer a prisoner of my past. I love my life and those who love me endlessly. The past no longer haunts me. YOU no longer haunt me.
Sincerely, your victim no more
