Dear Individual with the Ph.D. Who Doesn’t Know How to Work the iMac,

My name is Patricia, I’m a double psychology and sociology major with a writing minor in my senior year and I’m from Long Island. Please don’t make me say this out loud to the class. I would much rather write this down on a white 3” by 5” index card for whatever personal interest you have in introductions. Also, please don’t ask; I will not move my seat to the front just because my last name starts with an “A” or because there are some empty spaces you’d like to fill. Please know I have taken the liberty of choosing my own seat and I will be arriving early to class to secure my chair, not to discuss my personal interest in taking your course (DEC requirement, by the way). You have no idea how attached I am to my unassigned seat.

Since syllabus week is upcoming, let’s just briefly exam my expectations of the course (I should probably mention I’ve already read your ratemyprofessor.com page). I expect to leave class either during or at the end of the allotted time period. I just wanted to remind you that I graduated high school quite some time ago, but thank you in advance for your nostalgic attempt of dismissing me after class is supposed to end. You’re making it rather awkward to get up and leave in the middle of your speech when I have another class to run to on the complete opposite side of campus. After getting a lecture of how important your course is, I’ll be receiving another lecture on why my next professor’s time is more valuable than yours and I can’t afford to miss that, honestly.

Now, I already looked over your syllabus (seeing as you decided to disrupt my summer by uploading it to Blackboard in the middle of July) and I noticed that class participation is worth 10% of my grade. Can we discuss, preferably through email, why my attendance isn’t considered class participation? I consider myself a very proactive listener and the only question, concern, or comment I’ll need to make in your class is whether or not what you said will be on the test. For the love of God, please don’t call on me. If I’m not raising my hand, please don’t even look in my direction; I promise the Hermione Grangers in the class have the answer.

With all of this being said, I’m anxious to meet you in two weeks and I apologize in advance for not having bought any of the textbooks that require a human sacrifice, the tears of a wolf, and the depletion of my entire life savings to obtain what I’ll evidently be using once this entire semester.

Sincerely,

The girl who really misses her bed full of puppies

P.S. Please don’t apologize if you must cancel class in the future. Just because you might become upset if I cannot show up does not mean I’ll be upset when you cannot show up.