An Open Letter To My Mother And Her Battle With Addiction
Start writing a post
Relationships

An Open Letter To My Mother And Her Battle With Addiction

All of the things that I never had a chance to say.

1051
An Open Letter To My Mother And Her Battle With Addiction
RyeTan Photos & Creations by Tiffany



Mom,

It is hard to even determine where I should begin. First and foremost, I just cannot believe you are really gone. It's been well over a year now, but somehow I still have a hard time believing that you aren't coming back. Our relationship was a unique one, one that most daughters did not have with their mothers. We were far closer than the average mother-daughter duo, which made losing you so much harder. When kids lose a parent, that is usually all that they lose. You, however, were like losing a parent and a child all in one horrible nightmare. This was made possible by our role reversal – the switch of our realities when you could no longer care properly for yourself and I stepped up to take on the responsibility. This changed everything, forever.


Even before I was born, you took any fighting chance I had at a normal life and stole it away from me. You, pregnant and all, used cocaine, marijuana, pills, cigarettes, and God knows what else. You poisoned me with all of that crap. I was an un-consenting fetus: your child. While you may have thought you were doing no harm, you were the farthest thing from wrong. All of these chronic illnesses I suffer from now? The ones you watched me struggle with day in and day out, surgery after surgery? You helped cause those, with your drug use and the excessive childhood trauma you put me through time and time again. When I was little, you used to take me with you when you'd meet your drug dealers. You'd take me to bars, drive me around drunk, smoke your crack with me locked in the room. You endangered my life so many times in so many different ways. I'm lucky to still be alive, and that's not even the worst of it. I used to wait up for you in the middle of the nights you never came home. I'd get out the phone book and start calling all the bars, looking for my mom. I'd get up in the middle of the night to find you passed out at the kitchen table, burning a hole in the table cloth with a lit cigarette. I'd help you back into bed, check on you, make sure you were okay.

When I was in second grade, I found you after you attempted suicide. This was the first of many times I'd save your life, in fact I did it 12 times in the last two years you were alive, to be exact. By then I was pretty much all grown up. I've seen so many overdoses; I can spot one in a second. You stole from me: birthday money, prescription medication you knew I needed; you pawned all of my nice jewelry. You put your hands on my physically and abused me mentally and emotionally. You know I've never been one to sugar coat things, and I am not going to start now. You were selfish, and a lot of the time you were a half-ass parent. Not only that, but you put your own parents through hell, too.

I will never erase the image of your dead body out of my mind. You created a shit storm in my life, and you left me here to deal with it without you. I now battle my own PTSD from the terrible memories you have left behind for me, but even still, with all of this, you are still my mother; my only mother.

Many people will wonder how I could ever forgive you for all of the hell you put me through, and truthfully there was a time where I wasn't sure I'd be able to. Since you've been gone, I've realized so much and have begun to look at things very differently. First, I have come to understand how what you went through influenced the decisions you made. I know that you went through hell. I know that you struggled, immensely. I know that you were sick, and because of that couldn't be anywhere close to the mother you wanted to be or that I deserved. Everyone always talks about you when you were my age, 18, 19 years old, and how incredible you were. How beautiful you were; how much potential you had. Part of me feels as if I never got to know that person, because by the time I was born that part of you was already gone. You were buried by your demons, wrecked by years and years of self abuse and self medication just trying to dull the pain. It's devastating to me, because it was almost a waste of your life.

Not all of my memories of you are bad. You were the coolest, spunkiest person. You had the most amazing, fun-loving personality. Your smile lit up every room and I'll never forget how you'd laugh. While sometimes it got you in trouble, you loved to have a good time. Now that you've been gone, I can distinguish the difference between my mother and the other person that you'd become. My mother was so caring, she would have never hurt a soul; but that wasn't always you. I know you never meant for all of our lives to turn out this way.

Growing up, I used to think you were THE worst mother I could have; now that I'm older, I can acknowledge the fact that while you were far from a good mother at times, but you definitely weren't the worst. I used to think you were the worst role model, and that you taught me nothing in life. I realize now that that is the furthest thing from the truth. You taught me about life in the realest way possible, by struggling yourself. By watching you lose your life over the course of mine, I gained wisdom and intelligence that kids my age won't gain until much later in life. I will never do drugs thanks to you, because I realize now I too have an addictive personality and that I want more from my life that you got out of yours. I have learned the importance of choosing your friends wisely, because guilt by association is a real thing and you didn't necessarily always pick the best friends. I've learned what happens when you suppress your emotions instead of facing your problems head on and self-medicating instead of processing things the healthy way.

Most importantly, I've come to realize that I would not be the woman I am today if God did not pick you to be my mother.

Lastly, Mom, I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I'm sorry that I was such a hard kid to handle growing up, and that I was so mean to you. I regret it now more than anything. It wasn't because I hated you like I said, it was actually the exact opposite. It was because I loved you so much, and it made me so angry and so overwhelmed to watch you spiral downward. I knew I was ultimately watching you die and that was just too much for me to process so I lashed out instead. I only wanted what was best for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you more, and that I couldn't save you. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. I was just a kid thrown into a very grown up world, and I hope you know I did the best I could for you and what you were facing. I'm sorry the world was so harsh to you, and that most people didn't understand. Please know that I now, I do. I'm sorry you couldn't see how loved you were while you were still here on this earth. Our whole community mourned your loss; everyone that knew you felt the pain. I know that you didn't mean to take your life, and while accidents happen, this one held permanent consequences. I'm sorry that you died alone just one room over, and I didn't even know. I'm sorry I was too late that time to save your life. I'm sorry.

I want you to know that I forgive you, and I will not allow you to have died in vain. I am your only child, and it is my responsibility to keep your memory alive in a positive light. I have big plans for us, to take your story and share it with the world so that I may be able to help people and their families who suffered as we did. The drug and addiction epidemic is at an all time high, and I can only hope we can get to a point where so many people won't have to die. I may not see it in my lifetime, but I want to be a part of it nonetheless. Know that I will never succumb to the temptations that you did. I will never let you down – I will only make you proud. Life here on earth will never be the same without you. You are so sorely missed by everyone that knew you.

Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine because you shaped me into a strong woman. I love you more than you can even know, please keep watching over me and I'll see you again one day.

Much love,

Your only daughter.


Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

150 Words For Anyone Who Loves Football Games

Why I love high school football games, even though I don't like football.

109
Dallas News

When most think of high school they think of friend drama, parties, getting your drivers license, and best of all foot ball games.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics

10 Greatest Speeches In Modern American History

The United States is a relatively infantile nation, but its legacy of spoken rhetoric is one of the richest in the world.

1910
flickr

Rhetoric, in all its forms, arrives under the scrutiny of historians both for its historical impact and literary value. Dozens of speeches have either rallied the nation together or driven it drastically apart –– the impact of speeches in politics, social movements, and wars is undeniable.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics

What If The U.N. Actually United The Nations?

This is me taking a break from being cynical and imagining how the world could be one day.

3256
Unsplash

By now, people are probably sick of hearing me talk about myself, so I’m changing it up this week. In keeping with the subject of my J-Term class, I’m asking myself a political what-if question. What if we could create a sovereign global government firmly grounded in justice that could actually adjudicate Earth’s many disparate nation-states into one unified world government?

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

100 Things I'd Rather Do Than Study

Procrastination Nation, unite.

3937
Panda Whale
Here are 100 things I'd rather to than study. I know the semester just started, but

    1. Watch a movie
    2. Take a nap
    3. Have a dance party
    4. Eat ice cream
    5. Bake a cake
    6. Cry just a little bit
    7. Knit a blanket
    8. Learn to ride a bike
    9. Build a crib
    10. Watch a hockey game
    11. Watch any game
    12. Play with my hair
    13. Dye my hair
    14. Go grocery shopping
    15. Learn to crochet
    16. Do 50 jumping jacks
    17. Drive cross country
    18. Take a bubble bath
    19. Squeeze lemons for lemonade
    20. Sell the lemonade
    21. Make heart-shaped ice cubes
    22. Moisturize my knees
    23. Paint my nails
    24. Find the cure for cancer
    25. Run a marathon
    26. Just kidding, run down the hall
    27. Squat my bodyweight
    28. Eat my bodyweight in French fries
    29. Hibernate until Christmas
    30. Cuddle my body pillow (unless you have a boo)
    31. Think about all the work I’m not doing
    32. Wash my bed sheets
    33. Vacuum my apartment
    34. Play mini golf
    35. Go swimming
    36. Tan in this Texas heat
    37. Sing like I’m about to win American Idol
    38. Blow up balloons
    39. Pop the balloons
    40. Make lists
    41. Write an Odyssey article
    42. Pet a puppy
    43. Adopt a puppy
    44. Pay my rent
    45. Order a pizza
    46. Start a garden
    47. Cook a turkey
    48. Find new music
    49. Clean my waffle iron
    50. Learn to make jam
    51. Jam to music
    52. Play scrabble
    53. Volunteer anywhere
    54. Celebrate a birthday
    55. Watch a makeup tutorial I’ll never use
    56. Go through old pictures on my phone
    57. Make a playlist
    58. Take a shower
    59. Clean my room
    60. Curl my hair
    61. Climb a rock wall
    62. Get a massage
    63. Play with Snapchat filters
    64. Roast a chicken
    65. Go fishing
    66. Chug some Snapple
    67. Ride in a cart around Walmart
    68. Count the days until the semester is over
    69. Overthink about my future
    70. Think of my future baby’s names
    71. Pin everything on Pinterest
    72. Text anybody
    73. Pray about life
    74. Watch a sunset
    75. Watch a sunrise
    76. Have a picnic
    77. Read a book (that’s not for school)
    78. Go to a bakery
    79. Snuggle a bunny
    80. Clean my apartment
    81. Wash my dishes
    82. Rearrange my furniture
    83. Physically run away from my problems
    84. Make some meatballs
    85. Learn to make bread
    86. Google myself
    87. Ride a Ferris wheel
    88. Get stuck on a Ferris wheel (that way, it’s not my fault I’m not studying)
    89. Wash my car
    90. Get on a plane to Neverland
    91. Find Narnia in my closet
    92. Jump on a trampoline
    93. Learn to ice skate
    94. Go rollerblading
    95. Ride a rollercoaster
    96. Carve a pumpkin
    97. Restore water in a third world country
    98. FaceTime my family
    99. Hug my mom
    100. Tell my friends I love them
    Featured

    The Basics Of The United Nations

    As the General Assembly convenes, here is the United Nations 101

    2903
    WikiMedia

    For an organization that literally unites the nations, it amazes me how little is taught about the United Nations in schools, or at least where I went to school. It wasn't until I went to college and got a higher education that I learned the basics of the United Nations. I believe that every American should know at least the basics of what the United Nations does, especially since our country is one of the 5 permanent members. So here are the main "organs" of the United Nations.

    Keep Reading... Show less

    Subscribe to Our Newsletter

    Facebook Comments