An open letter to My Mother
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An open letter to My Mother

My mom and I still share the same brown eyes, but what we don’t share is love.

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Your mother is where your story begins. Not only do you become the same person for 9 months but the bond between a mother and daughter is something special, or at least it is suppose to be.

But mom,

Our bond and relationship is nothing. We don't share the bond that a mother and daughter are suppose to. I was never gonna be "mommy's little girl" no matter how badly I wanted to be. I spent a good part of my teenage years trying to figure out why I wasn't loved by you, then I realized that it's pretty simple, you didn't want me. I was an inconvenience in your life that rolled in when you weren't ready. The day you told me you didn't love me anymore is a day that is rather insignificant to me, not because it didn't effect me because it did but because I have known it for a long time. The actual day you stopped loving me is a day that I don't remember but a day I won't forget because I don't remember what made you stop loving me but it must have been something. I am sorry mom, I really am.

I know that I am not the daughter you dreamed about when you held me in your arms so long ago. I wasn't prom queen or a 4.0 graduate with a full ride or the captain of a sports teams, but I am me. I wasn't prom queen but I am kind and have a lot of friends. I wasn't a 4.0 graduate but I am smart, love school and have a passion for education. I might not have a full ride, but I am going to school for something I love regardless. I wasn't a captain of a sports teams, but I was dedicated to mock trail, my youth group, volunteering and was a brilliant dancer. I am still learning to love myself, but from what I can see I am pretty great the way I am, and truthfully, I am sorry you weren't able to see me that way. I wish I could be the daughter you wanted. I am sorry mom, I really am.

Maybe part of the reason you don't see the good in me is because you don't notice me and you have no idea how much I crave your attention. I know at times I ask for this in the most unloving of ways, but I learned from a really young age that is how you get attention from you even if it means that you get mad, which I also hate. Overall, it's a lose-lose situation but I'm hoping one day that you will react differently, and maybe even notice me when I do something good. Hoping for this is becoming exhausting though. I wish you could see me. I wish I did more for you to be proud of me. I am sorry mom, I really am.

I know that I make you angry a lot, and sometimes that anger scares me but I can handle that. What I cant handle is the words you say to me when you're angry. You told me that I make your life worse once, and every time I start to form bonds with people that is what I hear in the back of my head. The first time you told me to get out of your house because you didn't want me here still makes me cry every time I think about it. You told me once that I ruin every good time we have as a family, and now I am worried everything I am with a group of friends, and we are having a good time that I'll somehow ruin it. I find it extremely ironic that the lady who taught me how unclassy it was to cuss is now the same person who says those exact words to me. Anytime someone touches me without me expecting it, I jump because of the times that your hands weren't as gentle. Or the times people raise their voice, I feel like running away even if they aren't angry because it makes me think of the times you would yell and call me every name in the book. Growing up I didn't talk about this emotional abuse at all until my junior year because I thought it was my fault, but it isn't, it's yours. You should be sorry. You really should.

You hurt me a lot, but your mistreatment of me made me a better person. There was a moment during my senior year where I was realizing that I was becoming like you and that scared me because you're the last person in this world I want to be like, so I am using this as a motivation to improve myself. One day I am gonna make an amazing mother. Although I am scared to death to have an daughter because I don't want to screw her up the way you screwed me up, but I also know that if I just love her that I can't be as bad as a mom that you were. I refuse to raise another generation like me and you. I refuse to be like you as a mother and person in general. Unlike most girls, I don't wanna be like my mom. I don't mean this to make you feel bad but you have to understand how much you ruined me and how much work I had to put into myself to be a productive member of society because of my childhood. You should be sorry. You really should.

I learned at a very young age that my biggest bully wasn't ever gonna be the mean girls at school, but my own mother who I had to go home to everyday. Home wasn't a safe or fun place to be, it was my own prison that was disguised with name brand clothes, cars, family vacations and whatever money could buy, but mom, money can't buy love. I deserved more than that. I deserved more than a mother who had too much baggage to be able to love her own daughter. Every child deserves a adult who loves them and cares about that. Thank you for teaching me this, because it's a fundamental principle that I will hold myself to. I wish I didn't have to learn this the hard way though and you should be sorry I did. You really should.

There is a lot of thing that you failed at while raising me, and there is many failure I have as your daughter. But I can change myself, you can't change our relationship. I can change the way I view myself, but you cant change the words you said to me that made me feel that way. I can raise my children different, but you'll always be the mother you were. I can change the future I make for myself that doesn't focus on my past, but you can't change the past and you don't get to dictate my future anymore. I am better off without you. You should be sorry, you really should.

The saddest part of this whole thing is that on the outside we look the perfect all American family. We had the mom and dad and 2.5 kids who did well in school, played sports and always made it to church. We even had the dogs to complete the look. Sadly, what we didn't have is love. Love makes a family, all we had was four people living together. I wish we had more, but there was too much problems to make a happy home. You should be sorry about this, you really should.

I am sorry I am not the daughter you wanted when you held your 5 lbs 7 oz baby girl, but you should also be sorry that you were not the mother that I needed as I get older I'm starting to understand that it's okay and maybe it's not my fault but that doesn't remove the fact that I wanted a mother, but I do not need one. I am happy without you mom, and I have a lot of offer this world and this is not thanks to you.

Sincerely,

Lexi

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