Dear Grandma,

I don't know where to start. The subject of you is always a touchy subject to talk about, but you deserve to be known. You left my family and I exactly 1,342 days ago, which is equivalent to 3 years, 9 months, and 29 days. It blows my mind that I've went that long without you, and it hurts even more to know that I have to go the rest of my life being without you. You've been gone for far too long, and I need you to come back. These past 3 years have felt more like decades without you here with me, I didn't realize how much you truly meant to me until you left. Since you've passed away, I've learned lots of new things about life and how to live it right.

However, there's one thing that I haven't learned since you gained your angel wings, and it's how to accept the fact you're gone. It has been three long, treacherous years with you being gone and it never gets easier. I was always told that the pain goes away over time, and that the memories will become something happy to look back on, something to find joy in. Yes, I do find happiness in the memories, but it just hurts that I can't make any more of them with you...

Your name is Jeri Lynn Loucks, born on November 2nd, 1952, and you left us on October 30th, 2012. Fall was always your favorite time of year, too. You almost made it to the big 60, meemaw! You were only a few days away. Your passing was so unexpected to me, it really was. I took off about a week of school to come see you while you were getting your heart surgery, and it was successful. You made it out better than before and everyone was so glad. On Sunday, we left to return to New Jersey so I didn't miss any more school, and you left us two days later.

My biggest regret is from the last time I saw you. I was a selfish, immature kid that wanted to get her way and was in a rush to leave the hospital so I could get something to eat. I remember seeing you the last time, your beautiful self lying in the hospital bed, and the last words I've said to you was, "I love you too."

When I woke up the day I received the news that you passed, I had 3 missed calls from 3 different family members. I found it odd but I let it go. My mom was sobbing on the couch, and one of my neighbors came over and told me to go to her house while she talked to my mom. I was clueless and scared. My friend tried to comfort me but my nerves were too shot. I went back home about 30 minutes later, terrified, to find out that my grandma passed away. I couldn't believe it, I really couldn't. I was so young at the time that I couldn't comprehend anything going on at that moment, but I still managed to feel that feeling of your world crashing down on top of you. It was the worst feeling I have ever experienced. The fact that I would never be able to hug her or laugh with her again killed me.

The day of the funeral was rough, I remember walking into the room seeing her lay in her casket, beautiful as ever. My heart shattered into a million tiny pieces but I stayed strong. At this point I was too numb to feel anything, I didn't even fully capture what was going on until the end. When we left, I cried. I cried my eyes out. It was so hard to have to say my final goodbye. I'd do anything to see you again.

The pain hasn't got any better, and if not worse. Over time, my wounds will heal and I will be okay again, but as of now, I need to recover from missing you. At least one thing reminds me of you every day and instead of making it something positive, I let it hurt me and make me upset. Over time that will get better.

You will remain in my heart forever and I will never, ever, forget about you. I could never forget such an amazing woman, especially someone so dear and close to my heart. Soccer season is coming up and as I play I will always think of you before my game, knowing that you're looking down and watching me as I do what I love.

Thank you, Meemaw. For showing me what it's like to truly love, what it's like to be strong, and what it's like to lose. As you are gone, I'm going to continue to sprout into the flower you've always wanted to see. Thank you for being such an awesome grandmother, and such an inspiring influence in my life. I love you more than anything and I will continue to make you proud until my time has come.

To conclude, I just want to say thank you for all you've done to help me, to love me, and to care for me. Thank you for being such an amazing mother and grandmother. And finally, thank you for inspiring me to be an amazing woman like you. I love you forever, and I will always miss you.

By the way, thank you for sharing your middle name with me. It's such a privilege to be able to use your middle name as mine.

Sincerely,

Your granddaughter that misses you more than anything.