You know how they say grief comes in waves and tonight I’m drowning? Well, that’s kind of how I’m feeling tonight.
It’s taken me a while to come up with this article and actually put it out because I just couldn’t put my thoughts into words effectively. There’s just so much on my mind and so much I could say about you that I wanted to make sure it was done right.
It’s been about a year and a half since you died, and things have been okay. Drastically better than how I was a year and a half ago when it happened. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still have bad days. Some days are easier than others, that’s just how it goes.
I’ve come to realize that part of the reason why I’ve had such a hard time accepting your death is because I never got to say goodbye; there was no closure. I had just talked to you about two weeks before the accident and you seemed fine. You were excited for me to head off to college, and assured me that I would be fine and I would do great, and that you were always there if I needed you. Then all of a sudden there was nothing. No reason, no explanation, no goodbye; you were just here one day and gone the next. It's crazy how quickly life can change. So as a way to help myself and pay tribute to you, I thought I might use this article as my opportunity to say goodbye.
I think there will always be a part of me that will never accept what happened. It still doesn’t seem real. It just feels like it’s been longer than usual since we last talked, and I’m going to get that “hey stranger” text from you. Part of me is still angry about how you died because I know you were smarter than that. I don’t know how this could have happened, and that is a question I will never have the answer to. I guess I just have to take it as a fatal momentary lapse in judgment, and accept that.
I can’t believe I don’t have my EMT friend to talk me off the ledge when I’m having a hypochondriac moment. You would have really loved my latest one. You couldn’t laugh at me for it, though because that one was partly your fault. I can’t believe I’m never going to hear your corny pick up lines again that you were so proud of. I even can’t believe I’m never going to get the chance to go back to where we met with you, so you can make me go on the water ride with my clothes on (hope you enjoyed that ride, by the way. Somehow I came off soaked and you were practically dry).
I want to thank you. Thank you for never failing to make me laugh. Thank you for always being able to put me in a good mood if I was having a bad day. Thank you for always being there for me to talk to about anything, no matter how ridiculous I was being. Thank you for always keeping that amazing personality that I loved so much. Thank you for being so selfless and always helping other people, even after you’re gone by donating your organs. A part of you now will forever live on. But most of all, thank you for showing me what it’s like to truly care for someone. You and I might not have had a lot of time together, but that doesn’t change anything. People might say it’s overdramatic because of our geographical situation, and defensively I would have a few choice words for those people, but maturely I know I don’t have to prove anything to them. We knew what our relationship was, and that’s all that mattered. I knew you cared about me and I hope you knew how much I cared about you.
But mostly I’m sorry. I’m sorry that we weren’t able to see each other more often. I’m sorry that I didn’t take more opportunities to see you. I’m sorry that you never got to take that trip here that you were planning. I’m sorry for not making more of an effort to see you everyday for the rest of the vacation when we met. As much as I hated the geographical situation that we were in, I hate to say that it was almost better off that way because I know it would have been that much harder to let you go.
I’m going to promise you something. I promise that as sad as I am that you’re not here anymore, I am going to continue to live my life and achieve my goals because you didn’t get to. I am going to live happily and successfully for you because I know that’s what you would want. You always made sure that I was okay and happy, and if I wasn’t you would talk to me and make me laugh until I was. I promise I’m going to do my best in life and I’m going to make you proud.You forever have a piece of my heart and I’ll miss you always. Until we meet again…