To My First Love,
This isn't the easiest letter to write, and I have definitely tried my hand at this before, but couldn't stop sobbing enough to finish saying what I needed to say.
We didn't break up, at least not in reality. We didn't even date, not that my heart wasn't already 1,000% yours. We didn't grow up together, though we had intentions of growing old planned. Although we spent years planning a future... we didn't make it. More specifically, you didn't make it.
To be clear, you died. I still wake up sometimes hoping that it's a dream, that I could refer to this as a metaphorical feeling, but it's not. I had pushed down every ounce of love for you in order to get through my days. I had to pretend that I wasn't broken so people didn't creep around me like I was going to take my life.
That's the problem with losing you, at least in the way that you took your own life, people assumed I'd do the same. They weren't wrong to keep an eye on me, I was a mess- hell, I was beyond a mess. I was tattered and depressed, struggling to breathe through my own desperation. I spiraled into my own selfish despair at the idea of doing forever without you. You can ask the alcohol how well that turned out for me. You can ask my therapist how much I have learned from it. Overall, here it is... what I need to say to you
... I forgive you.
I forgive you for permanently walking out of my life. I forgive that in your own selfish mind, you thought that dying was your only way out. I forgive you for thinking of only yourself when you made the decision. I forgive you for not keeping your promises. I forgive you for all of the misery and pain that you caused, for all of the heartaches that spread throughout our friends and your family. I forgive you for leaving. I loved you, hell I still love you, every day, and although I am committed to another person now, I still constantly think about you.
I also wanted to thank you.
Without you, I would have never recognized my own self-worth. Without you, I would have never become strong enough to be my own person, to let myself shine, to love as freely as I do now. Without you, I would have never accepted that someone loved me, that I was worth loving.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you, it's not my fault and I realize that, but I am sorry regardless. I am not angry at you anymore, for abandoning me when I didn't even know I was in love with you.
You were my first love- the purest of them all. I've dated and been with others after you died, but they weren't you. I ended up with someone who I thought understood me, understood what had happened to me, and he emotionally abused me for six months. I can't take that back, not that I would want to. I found the one I love now after that. We aren't perfect, far from, but at least they try to understand. They try to fall in line with you.
I didn't mean to put you on a pedestal. I didn't mean to hold you above all others- that you were the one to beat. I placed such high expectations on them that when they were no longer relevant, I would spin it to be because they weren't A, B, and C... which ended up being things I loved about you.
My partner can Never be you. I know that. I do. The thought crosses my mind frequently, and even though I stare into your face daily, in fear that I could dare forget it, I remember that you were a beautiful soul. I remember how much you taught me about myself, how much you impacted my future as well as my present.
...but I can't let your mortality haunt me anymore.
I will love you forever, that's the thing about first loves, but I had to move on ... I have to move on. One day we will see each other again, and maybe then we can build a forever, but for now, I have to build my future with what is here in my present.
Until another day... or another life.
