To my first ex,
Hey there! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you or even thought about you. I wanted to write this because I want others to see the lesson I had to teach myself because of you.
When I first started dating you, I was in college, so I was late to the dating game. You already had your first few loves and a few exes before even meeting me. I thought that I found someone who had the same feelings as me. I thought you loved me as much as I loved you. I swooned over you. Probably because of your big smile, and your hipster appearance. Looking back now, all I can do is shake is my head and be ashamed that I let myself feel this way about you. You strung me along without me realizing it.
You played me. Simple as that. I should’ve known when you were embarrassed to be seen with me in public. The minute you saw someone you knew, you practically pushed me away. You wouldn’t invite me anywhere unless I smoke weed or drink. It was almost like I wasn’t allowed to be sober around you. It could be a beautiful day and you refused to be happy with me. We couldn’t go to certain restaurants because someone you knew worked there. I was stupid enough to think it was someone from school, but they were all women. All you did was compare me to your ex, too. I wasn’t allowed to have specific tattoos or like certain music or have the same interests as her. You got offended about everything. I had to walk on eggshells everyday. I told you once that you had dandruff, and you were upset for a few days.
I was exhausted trying to keep you. Trying to make you happy to be with me. Trying to look, and be, my best constantly. I cried too many nights. The whole time I was a high, depressed, miserable human being of some sorts.
After everything I did for you, you cheated on me with the one ex you compared me to. I found her nudes, and you cried when I found them because you were caught. You even said she was better than the fantasies. I thought we could work it out and move on, but you still wanted her. You wanted to immediately break up with me. You explained how it was my fault for it happening. You made me feel like I did something wrong. Like I’m the bad person. I let this sink deep into my brain, and convinced myself the same.
In reality, I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t make you cheat on me. I shouldn’t have to feel like a piece of shit for you. I won’t do that ever again. I refuse to change myself for a guy ever again. I won’t ever feel exhausted trying to keep a person into my life. It wastes my life to be that way. Thank you for being a mistake. Thank you for teaching me to give up on someone who clearly doesn’t want to be in my life.
I now found a man who appreciates me for me. I don’t have to censor myself. I don’t have to feel like crap about myself. I don’t change myself. I don’t feel stressed about him or worried for our relationship. He cares for me when I get dressed up. He cares for me when I’m in bed watching Netflix and eating chicken nuggets.
Sincerely,
The girl who won’t wait for anyone anymore
